The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback 

​QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about education. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. I have an amazing memory. Like Sean McVay on Twitter. And any coach who ever seems to be trending as a candidate for a high level coaching job does Except for Zac Taylor because in that article he said he couldn't remember the difference between college and NFL hashes during an interview with the rams. Just saying. Your theory, not mine. Ill tell you what man. Jim Harbaugh has started a horrible trend of football hiring shitty backup quarterbacks as Head Coaches. The comeback kid John Harbaugh. Unless the Super Bowl is on the line. He just starts running the ball and pretending it means toughness. Man your Jersey is ripped you must be Scott Frost at Tennessee, and a future Safety for the Jets who someone managed to trick everyone into thinking he was a quarterback whisperer, because a ripped jersey actually means you must be fucking stupid and like not understanding protections and getting hit every fucking play. What NFL team is going to hire Nick Foles as head coach? Right Brett Favres assistant manager Doug Pederson. Jim and Scott, The least you could do is change your entire uniform at halftime like Miami head coach Mark Rich's brother in Law Brad Johnson used to do as the Bucs quarterback. I want every snap to feel like the first snap of the game. And if god said you be anything you want. Fly like a bird. Run like a Cheetah. Throw rocks like David and Goliath and use it as a story for overcoming obstacles retold by millions of flouride stares. Anything you want Brad. Anything. God as my witness. I would choose the ability to not sweat. It makes my hands slippery when I go to throw the ball. Especially at backyard barbecues when the leather is composite. throw it to me deep. Bro I can't, your ball weighs 25 ounces not the standard 13. But I got it from Target. Like Tommy Rees scholarship at Notre Dame. Another Ken Dorsey, Kellen Moore, quarterback who wins with his mind man. Doesn't even need legs. He is the Professor Xavier of quarterbacks.  The one thing man, is that this guy has got a great fucking memory. Mind like Milli Bobbi Brown in Stanger Things. Number 11. You will just be in the huddle, and out of nowhere he gets a fucking nosebleed. And you are like. Oh shit, oh snap, oh fuck -- this guy is about to do something realer than flat earth memes on Instagram. Flat earth is fake, that one guy with the blue check says he ran across Antartica with Lance Armstrong's doctors on sled dogs right behind him. Yeah so I get to this one part and there is green grass. And I go wtf is this. The signs says Agartha. Says DO NOT ENTER signed by every country on earth in the only treaty where that has ever happened. I am like should I live stream any of my trip on Instagram or Twitter, or Vine, Or Facebook, or Camera. At minimum make people believe the Blaire Witch Project is real. A moment where I am standing in the corner of a cabin crying into a wall. Just you know anything. No ill just fucking post a picture of me at the end crying from the gondola lift in Breckenridge Colorado. Shaun Whites new haircut is like its snow bro. No one knows where the fuck you are when there is snow everywhere. Ask all those people who die on the highways just outside of New York City. In 200 years no one ever thought to invent roads that didn't freeze. Except for Tommy Rees. He was about to sign up to be the first passenger on an Elon Musk Space X rocket. Hey Elon, you want to come with me. Um, no, just sign right there and you will have the space flight of your life. Trust me I have spent my entire life building practical, high up on the agenda of saving humanity type things. Like safe roads during the winter.  Tommy Rees would never let snow stop him reaching his destination. So much mind power his fucking nose bleeds during the games as he reads defenses. Knows exactly where to go on Christmas Eve. The war zone with Trump in IRAQ to visit the soldiers. Looking off Main Stream Media defenders by not using lights on the Air Force One on his way into Bahgdad. Yeah, but his twitter location gave away Demi Moores GI Jane training location. Afganistan knows she is shaving her head right now as we speak. Smart fucking cookie. 20th best QB in Notre Dame history. Plus Rees is grown up now. More mature than ever.  His name is Tom now. Not Tommy. He is different.  He left Notre Dame and sold insurance for a year or so, didn't make any money like their Indeed Ad promises you, 150K first year, so he text Coach Kelly, who called him back from a private line, just in case later it doesn't work out, and he doesn't want to have to smash his phone like Tom Brady during deflate gate. Coach just use Whats App. You can delete messages for you & him. Facebook only lets Spotify read your messages. That is why you keep hearing Atlanta Zoo by Gucci Mane on your sirius XM. You kept texting the student who died in the film tower to turn on rap music to make the players like Chip Kelly more. Nothing makes me run an out route to an ice cream truck harder than Mo Bamba. I want the sonic the hedge hog with the gumball eye for 3 dollars.  Its kind of what people do now that Snowden finally made it to the free HBO Go app Direct TV gave them for singing up for NFL Sunday Ticket. You will be on a flight to Detroit on Southwest Airlines. What movie do I want to watch? Hmmm how about Snowden? Conspiracies are a hot topic these days. Did you know the kid from third rock from the sun was Russian? I mean lives there now. Get the fuck out of this god damn Embassy right fucking now or we will take your fucking cat Julian. I can assuange your ass is going to jail for revealing Barbara Bush is Aleister Crowleys daughter, and not just a lyric in an Ozzy Osbourne song. Calls wife. Honey you will never fucking believe this movie I just saw. Did you know the world is a big org chart shaped like a pyramid with Satan's eye on top? Babe don't take the bible literally. Satan is not real. He is just used to ground your kids for trying pot for the first time. Anyways, what would Jesus do? Jesus scores touchdowns at Notre Dame. Hey Tom, Big Tom Rees. I know you were building an empire in a small town in Ohio where everyone voted for Trump, selling brakes over at discount tire with your Notre Dame law degree you thought was going to give your own law firm. Hey come on back to Notre Dame and coach my room full of quarterbacks. I got a problem that I need you to solve. I am playing the canceled NCAA video game lots of players never got royalties for being in, and creating a player. And the only option they are giving me is this Cam Newton looking player. Which isn't smart enough to get into Notre Dame. They don't have a Tom Rees body type or I wouldn't choose it. But the problem is that every time I give their arm 25 percent arm strength, and 75 percent running ability. My ideal recruit. Urban Meyers tells his assistant. You better make sure that quarterback can win the Heisman and get 125K followers on twitter for antagonizing Justin Fields. Brian Kelly says you better make sure that quarterback can probably set up Harrison's new Apple watch at ATT one day. Anyways, my create-a-player in this game, Tom. They end up just not even being as good as our second string running back. Even though the Elite 11 said they were Charlie Ward. If I give them 99 percent arm strength, then who is going to run for a first down on 3rd and 6? Al Pacino says life is a game of inches. And my wife keeps asking me to go deeper, and I am out. Also, Ian Book is threatening to transfer because the only thing he has learned since arriving to campus is about activated charcoal for 360 waves. Gunner Kiel could have started for us, but I could tell he was taking Tylenol PM before practice. I caught him sleeping during 7 on 7 underneath his visor since he wasn't starting. Why couldn't he just dip like Joe Ganz. When I went to wake him he looked at me like Lawrence Taylor looking at Bill Belichek. Bill, do you want me on Tuesday or on Sunday? And since Bill was just a defensive coordinator at the time. LT just went back to sleep, and after the meeting was over, for LT, right there, cause he went back to sleep, Bill ran to Parcells and told on him. Only for Parcells to tell Bill that LT, does has a point. And after being so frustrated and not able to understand how the house and senate work. And that not even an executive order has power unless someone on twitter makes you think its to take all of Eric Schmidt from Googles assets because he secretly set up a server for Obama in North Korea. I had to just go back to my office and vow that one day when I am the Head Coach of the Patriots I will do a special on ESPN 30 for 30 where I finally tell Bill 25 years later I have been mad this entire time. Instead of just telling him that day and being done with it. And winning another Super Bowl with the Giants. Like most NFL teams fail to realize is all that you have to do to win 10 straight division titles in a row. Or set your DVR to save your marriage to Kim Kardashian on E! News. Is Communicate. Tom, lets talk. I need help. Can you come back and make sure the quarterbacks are not watching Black Panther on Netflix? But preparing for Clemson. Yeah coach, no problem. Thanks Tommy, I mean Tom. You'll be like Mark Walhberg in the movie shooter when the CIA asks him to come back out of hiding to help solve an assassination attempt. He has long hair, and travels 5 miles through the woods and frozen tundra to set up a beer can on the other side of the canyon so he can walk his ass all the way the fuck back to the other side where his cabin is, and to set up his rifle, and practice shooting it off the stump that he left the can on. Not cans. Just one can. Because life is about the journey, not the outcome. The point of the story Tom is that he has a long pony tail when the CIA comes. But then they convince him. Yeah, you're right. I am a great shooter. Happily living in nature in peace. Retired. Like Bill Clinton. Scandal Free and loved again. But Hillary wants to keep fucking running. God dammit. Scott Free and had to fuck with Trump for no fucking reason. Now Trump is mad and had to fake hire Robert Mueller to investigate him but really take down the Clinton Foundation, and most of Hollywood, and the Act of 1871 in Washington D.C.  Walhberg agrees, I would love to get wrapped up into a CIA manchurian candidate conspiracy hosted by Lydon B. Johnson in downtown Dallas with help from George Bush Sr. So, Look I get it. You call yourself Tom. And Mark cuts his hair. His pony tail right off. And just like that an entire time sequence of maturation has occurred. And nothing says that the times have changed like cutting your pony tail off. Trevor Lawrence will have the same haircut as Christian McCafferey by the 2020 NFL Draft. Coach, great analogy. Um, are you going to pay me real money, or do the whole you are a major division 1 coach on national television every Saturday and doing high level interviews with major sportswriters, and lots of pressure to win, but only pay me in Master Degree credits to another miscellaneous degree that I find out I still have to buy books for on Chegg. Yeah Tom, look we will give you a food stipend to the cafeteria. All the cereal you want, and french toast sticks, pancakes, milk carton eggs and overtly stiff bacon. And also we will give you. Lets do $40K. Yeah but your last QB coach made $250K. Yeah he also fucking got Everette Gholson to transfer to FSU without much political capital. The kid brought us to a National Title his True Freshman year, and I just decided his ceiling was lower than a female running for President of the United States. Even if she broke the big screen over the Cowboys field with a digital hammer someone coded into the commercial. You got a point coach. Okay, $40K is good. Great, we also got you free living in the dorms. Hangs up the phone quickly. Fuck he also asked me a 1 bedroom apartment. The strength coach in his office nervously laughs. He was just about to ask for vacation time to go to Bulgaria with Jon Gruden's vertigo to watch a powerlifting competition everyone on Instagram thinks they are training for.  Immediately blocks his number in his cell phone so he can't call back. Mom, coach hired me to be the quarterback coach at Notre Dame. Great son, Dan lets take our son Tom to Outback to celebrate. Brian Kelly picks up his office phone. Presses 237 on speaker. Sheryl. Forward all fucking calls from Tom Reeses Pieces. Make him have to figure out how payroll works, and his living situation, and food and all that shit. I don't have the time on my google Calender to tell a new person I just hired how to do anything at this fucking company. I have to do an interview with Rece Davis about why there are no asians in football. And no one cares or complains. Even Dat Nyugen. Just give him a desk, and a new laptop. That should work for a few days. Btw I am meeting Justin Fields dad at a Denny's in Baton Rouge this afternoon, and letting him know that only 2% of football players from college make it to the NFL. Yeah I know I get to fly around in an expensive private jet on tax payer money, and that I get to tell Chris Fowler why none of my quarterbacks ever get invited to the Heisman ceremony and I don't know why I am actually even here except to be on TV and tell my favorite Lou Holtz bumble bee story that was the sole reason I got into coaching in the first place. Yeah I tell the team about colony collapse disorder all the time. No one knows why the bees are dying, or why we are in the playoffs considering the game at USC, but I have a feeling its because the playoff selection committee don't like to work. Look the moral of this story is that,  you guys are the drone bees, and. You will wake up at 5am, a totally unhealthy time for the human body, and you will do yoga on a wrestling mat while your strength coach mocks the flexibility in your gastrocks because he is mad I declined his vacation days in ADP,  and then, and then, you will run outside to the practice fields where 3 cone drill be set up, and while Students who are getting straight A's and performing well in school because of a great night sleep, you will compete against each other to the tune of my whistle, and Harrison will easily beat Russel Wilson in every drill because Russell is actually not good at football its just that people have never seen he is actually 5'9 in person and absolutely the worst god damn personality and joke teller the world has ever seen, and he rides his bike to school and Harrison saw him flip over the handle bars trying to go down some stairs on campus, and yelled Fagggggoottt, as his backpack landed on top of the back of his head, and it looked like he had some books in there, while walking into a class Harrison would eventually go to sleep in, but attend office hours so the Vietmanese teacher would do the test for him, so he could get a B in in it. You will fucking compete out here in the cold, no fucking flu shots for anyone. Jenny McCarthy says Ben Carson says he told Trump to say in a debate verse Jeb Bush they cause Autism. And everyone laughed and said man Trump is whacky but 2 years later people are starting to reject Flu shots more than ever because it actually might be true. Like when scientists told us there was a Gluten free diet to only later admit they were full of shit. You can actually eat whatever you want, the only real diet is just making sure you jog. Cause nothing else works but taking the time to go run. Its why everyone is unhealthy. Like the kid who died at Maryland. Because they aren't use to actually running down a sidewalk instead of playing fortnite on their IPAD. That is literally it. I know I told your dad I would treat you like a son. And prepare you for your 2% chance to make it to the NFL, and the dad didn't ask but what programs are you putting in place to raise that percentage point higher so more kids CAN make it. And no college AD is putting into coaches contracts required percentages for ensuring players get drafted and play a minimum of 1 year in professional sports like they do require graduation rate bonuses. You don't need to go to the NFL son. Your families legacy doesn't need the money to live in an economy where 5,000 dollars use to buy you a house, but now you need 400,000 dollars just live in a safe neighborhood. And as a result the illuminati also forced your mom to work so they could double the taxes on both men and women in the guise of feminism. No I am going to prepare you for life. Make you tougher. And you know what, here is some ESPN insider, and its your life, your sacrifice, if you want to take an L for the overall fam, I can maybe even give your parents an opportunity to sue the University and the coach for manslaughter that he will pay off using his consulting money Saban gave him. DJ Durkin Doughnuts whats your take on the Orange Bowl. Coach I drink orange juice in the morning because it wakes me up. Although it does have high sugar content and is technically bad for me. God dammit DJ. The fucking game you dipshit. Coach I think what you should do is this. Run four verticals every play, and just let Tua just throw it to one of them. Then on defense. I think you should tackle well. Saban hits the Matt Laurer button under his desk. The door opens. Get the fuck out of my office DJ. I might as well followed the Chainsmokers on Twitter for that god damn advice. No wonder 98% of your players never make it to the fucking NFL. At least Steve Sarkisian gifted a bottle of Johnny Walker for helping support him during the Christmas Season at the wishes of Lane Kiffin. Coach, um can you help Steve this Christmas? He just got canned at USC for joining a frat and they are garnishing his wages until his lawsuit clears. And his wife wants to go on a Disney cruise next February. Because anytime you go to book a Disney Cruise it seems like every option is a year away. But he has to make the down payment now. Can he stand on the sideline during the national title with no actual allegiance to any one person or player, and call power the entire game? Since you are firing me a month early for backstabbing you in a tweet. We must protect this house. Underarmour. Lane, if your dad didn't invent the Tampa 2 causing the middle linebacker to void the middle of the field just because I run a fucking tight end on a post route, causing spread offenses to recruit athletes at quarterback, resulting in Johnny Manziel, Lamar Jacksons heismans, Kevin Sumlins alcholism, and me losing the national title to the NFL's new single season sack leader. 60 fucking sacks Deshaun Watson. Then I will consider it. Let me just reach into my Santa bag of fired head coaches who no one at the NCAA ever questions me basically running a rehabilitation brothel for coaching addicts looking for a father figure. We take in all breeds here at the SPCA. Except Hugh Freeze. You know what. Tell Monte Python Kiffin great fucking job. Thanks for sending me that little stocking stuffer Kyler Murray for Christmas. Get the fuck out of my fucking office. And on your way out. Tell Butch Jones to stop looking a possum who knows where a great trashcan is at all times. Guys, you have to see this fucking trash can. This family eats Ribeyes 5 times a fucking week. Ren and Stimpy looking mother fucker. Like Mike Price at a strip club. Fucking treasure trove of meat in here boys. Lets put it on the company card. Its all fun and games. Until my dad comes outside with a Pellet gun, and I scream nooo dad don't fucking do it. As I look through the screen window of my kitchen.  Don't shoot that possum. Pop pop. Don't worry son. I play running back for LSU, and this guy was just trying to buy our Nintendo Switch we posted on Craigslist. We are good. The cops talked to us for a few minutes. Said the guy shouldn't have gotten mad we forgot Mario Kart. That Nightmare Before Christmas looking mother fucker is going to Maryland. Mike Leach to Maryland. He didn't lock Eric Dickerson's backup running backs son Adam James in a fucking Hocus Pocus closet, knowing his dad worked for ESPN with Trev Alberts missing person sign at Walmart, and get canned for not understanding players aren't vacuums. Yeah but Adam sucks like one. Maryland's Board of Regents was like, hey call Mike up we need a coach with a history of player mistreatment around these parts. Plus he has extensive knowledge about Pirates. One of the board members raises his hand. Um I am not sure that is the best choice. I think we should hire like Randy Edsall back. He tweets a John Wooden quote every day and its really inspiring. Is he using Hootesuite for time delivered pre-set tweets? IDK son, its obvious he uses BrainyQuote on google search for his material. I prefer original sin. Where the fuck is Gerald Sandusky when you need him? These Millenials are getting soft. Folks the media didn't like our decision to retain a DJ for the funeral. So now we are all fired by Chris Cuomo. Even though Trump obviously has something on his brother who is the governor of New York. I really thought Trump being racist would have drowned this story out more quickly with Jemelle Hill being so distracted by it that she gives up generational money to share a few glasses of wine she drank on twitter. I guess you live and you learn right. Its a process. An education. You came here for a fucking education son. Not to play football or go pro. You better learn some fucking respect for your coach. I am giving you a 98 percent chance to fail. And the CEO of the NCAA thinks that is good for the bottom line. Roger Goddell thinks 1 franchise quarterback per 10 years is a great fucking idea. Quarterbacks are supposed to complete 70% of their passes, but coaches only have to get 2% of not their college, all 100+ D1 colleges, their players drafted. His first meeting. Tom Rees raises his hand like he is in elementary school. Coach, um Coach Kelly. Trent Dilfer has to work from home now because ESPN found out Steve Young hated him. And demanded he be fired. Even though they technically have the same number of rings. The ice breaker was that Trent is the only QB in history to ever get ejected from an NFL game because Jon Randle said he use to have the same haircut when he played as Dana Holgorsorn. Like Kurt Warner has the same haircut as his wife Brenda. Thats a great story story Tom. If you don't get Wimbush to transfer by the end of bowl season.  We are shutting your fucking factory down for good, and all your friends in the community will be read about how you got benched on ESPN, again like when you played here and I had to use someone as a scape goat for Dayne Crists scholarship I wanted to give to Deshone Kizer. Jesus, Crist was another Elite 11 QB even Charlie Weis who couldn't raise his completion percentage, even though Brian Stumpf said he was the next Trent Edwards. You'll never be able to show your face in Tampa again to everyone who still lives there working in restaurants. Tommy pulls his hand down. Embarrassed. Thinks to himself. Was Deshone Kizer gods way of saying he thought the Vikings cut Josh Freeman too soon? But also,  Ill never forget this moment when all this hard work pays off and I get my chance to be stared down by Baker Mayfield as a fired head coach on the sideline of a team I hate thinking about my mom who just died and life is pretty rough but no one cares, and Skip Bayless thinks it cool for sake of disagreement. Its not personal, its business. Said Robin Williams. Out of nowhere his phone goes off with a twitter notification from @MikeSilver of Yahoo. BREAKING NEWS: Tommy Rees considered candidate for Liberty once the first month billing for Hugh Freeze Sprint Phone gets invoiced. I have been educated by those close to him that he has a great fucking memory. Dilfer likes the tweet. Plus once the season collapses for Notre Dame and they lose the college football playoff semi-final to Clemson. And Dabo Swinney swings a baseball bat at their playoff selection pinata party they held while everyone else had to play for a conference championship. And Brian Kelly's nightmare gets fired for Urban Meyers dream job. Tom Rees will have no job to fly home too. and everyone will know the true meaning of Lou Holtz bumble bee story. He told on live TV. That no one at first knew was about. Until now. Remember who you are. 

Quarterback LessonS