Quarterback LessonS

The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback 

​QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about the huddle. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. Bro why does it smell like piss in here? Like a fucking bathroom at Buffalo Wild Wings hosting a group of Arkansas fans. I just went bro. I got nervous they were about to punt the ball back to us and I would get stuck in that tent on the sidelines. And I couldn't find my fucking helmet. It just added up. I got scared and chose looking for my helmet. It was in the same spot that I always leave it, but felt like it wasn't going to be there. And then they were punting by that time, so I just let a little out. Folks don't know - it looks like sweat. I just stare at Kushner. Touche my lord. Touche. I did the same last drive.  Alright, Zebra Zebra. Guys I want double wing rt zebra right 2 Jet All Go Special. Kush bend across the face of the safety. Nate keep it straight down the pipe. Andre act like you're inside out on the end, and slide up the seam. Nathan stop drinking so much muscle milk, your ass is getting hard, and I feel like I am putting my hands into a fucking toaster oven to get the snap. I need soft booty, okay. I need that ass to feel like a My Sleep Pillow infomercial so that football and the snap have some mountain bikes shocks on it. I need to be able to drive over a speed bump without my hands coming off the fucking wheel. Stop watching all those fucking instagram videos about how to become a phat ass white girl, a PAWG in the club. Doing fucking stair steps, and that one fucking machine where you sit down, and swing your legs open like a set of butterfly wings that only moms who drink wine while they workout do. Hey, do you have a job? No I just go up to Lifetime Fitness and do cross fit in neon green outfits? I don't even have a house, or apartment or anywhere to live. I just workout at the gym, then I go swimming there, then I shower, and by that time people forgot I had already worked out, so I just go back upstairs again. So first shift thinks I am there client. But so does Second shift. and Once it is third shift. That guy sleeps in his office, and no one is up stairs. So I just sleep in the dance instructor studio on some ab mats. Stack four of them on top of each other and it feels like a $100 mattress cover from Walmart. Alright Nathan, need that ass thick. Lets run this fucking play. Brent Musberger looks down from the Sky Box. Harrison is really fucking taking charge down there. Look, In 2009 we only ran 4 verticals with a back over the middle. In 2018 we run 5, call it an RPO, and let the quarterback fend for himself. Yep, all the divers are on the boat. I counted. Lets get the fuck out of here. The quarterback drops back. Hey where is the boat? Fuck babe, I think they left us to swim in the middle of the fucking ocean all night by ourselves because the running back can't read or do math. The play is on 1  guys because any time we try a different snap count you fuck it up, and someone false starts. You know what, fuck it. Lets do the Tennessee Volunteers Casey Clausen clap for the snap count. 1 clap means don't snap it yet, so coach can read the defense for me like he is playing Madden and I am just his create-a-player. Harrison, press the X button. I forgot where the R1 toggle button was for the flat. Just press X because the software is built to make it so if you press X right away there is a good chance it will be there first read and completed. It gets dicey after that trying to press square, or Y. Josh Rosen is making his perfect dream wedding quarterback like -- I want this quarterback to look just like Kellen Moore. Winningest Quarterback. I am so smart that every quarterback put Dan Marino as their idol during the draft because they admire and appreciate NFL history, but I actually despise the NFL and look down on anyone who likes this Neanderthal the Rock Titan games league, and so I put Elon Musk. Because I once put a jaqcuzzi in my dorm room, and he once landed a rocket on the fishing boat that left me in the pocket to die. But hey everyone wants to hire Kliff Kingsbury until they find out he doesn't understand protections or defensive fronts. So Kliff please draw a bear defensive front. Goes up to the board. Okay so these are my favorite bears players. Urlacher, Richard Dent, Refrigerator Perry, and Mike Singletary. No draw the front. The fucking front. The defensive front. Oh, oh, yeah um we just anticipate that someone will be open before they get to the quarterback. Otherwise I told them to just throw it to me on the sideline. Throw it away like Mox in Varsity Blues when he knocks that cowboy off the horse of the opposing team. Do you guys have Varsity Blues in your XOS coaching system. Pop that film on real quick. Okay yeah Kliff Bar, well let you know, about if we are going to hire you, or just not respond to your messages on Linked In. Nathan, are you ready for some football? Its a Monday Night Party. I am about to point to the ground. This means. This means that I am ready. To clap again. Then snap it. I know there are 100,000 thousand people in this stadium but listen for that fucking clap. Okay. Strong fucking powerful hands clapping together. We don't need snap counts anymore. Quarterbacks don't need a voice. Harrison believes that all quarterbacks should be able to sing and the play the guitar so they can entertain at parties. But not here. Not now. Not this game. When I clap you snap me the running back the ball, and he is going to pretend to run power, then stop and pop pass to the tight end. Because in college football. No one is smart enough to stop five fucking quarterback shotgun draws in a row verse Georgia for a touchdown. So um coach whats your defensive scheme. Well I act stressed out the whole fucking game with a visor on yelling, lots of energy. Jake Peetz says that the number 1 thing Saban taught them is that each player has a defined role, and you will be held accountable to the definition of winningnest by Josh Rosen, and that to man your fucking gaps, because they are literally just snapping the ball back five yards, to run forward 7 yards, to score, five times in a fucking row, including fourth down. So yeah if I get this job at Georgia I can guarantee you the same record as Mark Richt, or maybe worse. Great Kirby. Great stuff, ill tell you what Kirby. It sure is starting to look like Saban and Belichek both share the same fucking adam and eve fruit tree that any college who eats from it their program fucking thinks its made a beautiful hire only to find out they married a skank from the club. How is it so fucking hard to be a good coach? I don't get it. You get paid to fucking watch film all god damn day. Every day. Nothing else. Ill tell you what guys. I know that Oklahoma ran corner cats against Texas because Sam Elinger can't notice a defender 2 feet inside his slot receiver. Because he is too busy trying to find his mom in the crowd to hand his MVP trophy of a team he lead to a 10-4 season that in 1999 would mean the BCS algorythm would shadow ban you from the Sugar Bowl. Werrreee Back! No low gas prices are back. But I never. Not even once. Thought that he would just be the only player in football who runs with his chest wide open every play. Pat Forde is like -- technically this means they could beat Alabama. Yeah we definitely should have forced Sam to throw literally any other route besides a jump ball fade, and have taken away his Dan Kendra impression. Coach I don't want to play full back. But Dan-- then fucking stop squatting every day. Fucking do some stretching. Take a day off from fucking lifting. Chris Weinke doesn't lift. He goes out to the parking lot, and long tosses a baseball. Stretches his arm out. Has MLB money. Buys the receivers Pizza, and tells Lincoln Riley to fuck off when asked why he is late to a team meeting. Why the fuck is Kyler Murray my fucking neighbor he asks his wife, looking through the blinds at a bunch of kids playing play station eleven o'clock at night. Can barely see because there is so much smoke in the living room from one of the people that is constantly rolling blunts on the face of an ESPN the magazine cover that shows Kyler making a Bo Knows pose. Texts Kyler. Bro - can you turn down your radio? I have work tomorrow. Sees a read text, but no response. Looks again through the window. At Kyler pulling a milk jug out of the fridge, and chugging on some Vitamin D whole milk. Burps and puts it back in. Damn that mother fucker has a fridge with an IPAD in the door panel. Too. Gives up and goes to sleep. I just want to make announcement. I know a lot of teams are going to be pursing Lincoln this off season. He is sponsored by Peyton Manning. So we are going to go ahead and give him his own extension at the office. 911 -- dial 911 as in its an emergency that you better fucking win some fucking games that we are paying you to fucking win, and not go 0-2 in fucking bowls, or you are fucking fired. We are giving him $2 more million dollars for being the only coach in NCAA with 2 straight Heisman wins not to be able to get to a National Championship, where it use to be that every year the Heisman winner played in the National Title. But not anymore. And since the Heisman was ruined when they started just handing them out like candy to Alabama running backs who only rush for 1,200 yards season, and for some reason for a team that keeps going to the title game, you rarely ever see them on regional television. Just when its time to beat LSU 7-6 again. Who 8-4 Heisman winners Lamar Jackson and Johnny Manziel couldn't beat either. Like getting treatment in Las Vegas before the last game of the Browns season. Lets head out West to the grand daddy of them all. Urban handed Ryan Day his coaching whistle and all I could think about was Larry Coker. And how Ryan Day will one day be fired for being the coach who comes in and says, okay guys I know Coach Meyer was absolutely fucking insanely meticulous and rigid, and a paranoid schizophrenic about lapses in coverage in the 2nd quarter on 1st down passes against Washington, but this is a new Day. Get it. And in my program you can truly be who you want to be. Tate, you can continue to use twitter to taunt other players you have never even met on teams in states thousands of miles away, with fans who don't know who you are, because you tried Xanax for the first time in college. Babe meet me at the club. Sorry I feel asleep on the couch. I just got your texts. Still want me to come over.  I don't mind that there is a good chance one day you will tweet something super embarrassing that I will have to suspend you for, resulting in your transfer to UNLV and most likely, a job on the strip hawking VIP backstage passes to Chainsmokers at Encore Beach Club for $100 tips. Its great money man. But late nights. Not for everyone. I don't mind that you are only 19 and have a full sleeve like Sandra Bullocks ex-husband Jesse James. Maybe one day you will get your own show fixing and repairing choppers on the discovery channel. I don't know. And Dwayne. DH Simba. We are going to need you to change your twitter handle. Because folks type in Dwayne on Twitter Search, and then they see a Dwayne but it says Simba, and then they start thinking about Africa, and does this young man think he is Simba from the new Lion King movie, and does that mean he lost his dad in a buffalo herd accident, or that he wants to grow up and be king. Because the way Lebron James is acting recently he is almost guaranteed to have an illuminati breakdown, and be hauled off to the same cloning center they dyed Kanye's hair blonde at. But thats another discussion for a Joe Rogan podcast. Anyways guys. I am not going to discipline anyone around here. Keep it fun. Keep it loose. Maybe even use Urban outfitters team to go undefeated on accident based on the recruits Butch Davis brought in. But shortly after that people will realize I am the singer from the group Train. Drops of jupiter in my ear. And even though every one in college football is trying to pretend like hiring your assistant wide receiver coach at Clemson will get us the next Dabo Swinney. It is really because Manny Diaz dad in the 80's was Mayor, and all the banks all the sudden got 500, 600 million, and all these sky scrapers were built. And Til Fertita might be the top booster in Houston, but El Chapo determines who coaches football here. And his wife didn't even know he liked football, but now we get to continue down the path that almost led us to cutting our football program from the academia at this school. Back before we beat Cade McNown and Bob Toledo at UCLA. Coach Applewhite, come into my office. Here son, look- Nick Saban once said he hated you because you went from beating Cody Paus in the Holiday Bowl because he couldn't complete a pass on 4th and 3 and instead ran out of bounds, essentially ending the career of Rick Neuheissal. Who is Hitlers perfect german citizen. So even know he loses every single job he gets, and spread he picks, he still gets a job at ESPN like that hockey guy. Barry Melrose. And uses the money to pay off his bookies. Guys was it me or did Rick seem edgy on air today. But look - Saban says you got your offensive coordinator job way too easy. You didn't have to have Terry Bowden once tell you to run to Best Buy for a TV remote, and to pick him up an italian sausage sandwich on the way back. Only for you to be like fuck that shit. Fuck being a graduate assistant. So look, because you didn't grab Ed Oliver's face mask like Jimbo Fisher, and didn't choke a player like Bobby Knight, establishing yourself as Head Coach, Throwing scar off a fucking cliff, fucking simba, daddy is fucking home, and no one better ever fucking talk to me like that again you son of a bitch mother fucker, shut your fucking mouth right now, because Ill take your grandma's fucking season tickets, and go sit the fuck down without a fucking jacket, you should have fucking played. Every single NFL scout is going to know you fucking suck by the time I fuck your whole career up, talking to fucking me like that. You fuck. Because you didn't say and act like that. Like when Bill Parcells once dumped a trash can on top of the defensive lineman's heads of the Giants, and throw it against the wall, telling them they are playing like garbage. Fuck there was chocolate milk in there. We are going to beer can you for Dana Holgorsen. Who loves beer. And Bill Murrays haircut in King Pin. Why are you leaving West Virginia Dana? I thought they filmed that movie with Woody Harrelson where he runs a gang in the mountains there. and the soundtrack is different pearl jam and shinedown songs. Woody I have a great role for you. Yeah you are mayor of the West Virginia forest, but not the mayor, just someone who people are afraid of who lives there. And the whole movie is about how no one in the town ever calls the cops to have you arrested. Yeah, you're like the Hillary Clinton of the coal mines Obama tried to shut down, leading to people in that state having nothing left, and resorting to the lifestyles depicted in this movie. And there is a scene where Christian Bale just is alone and thinking powerful thoughts about his brothers death. More powerful thoughts than Jeff Brohm at Halftime of the Purdue Auburn game about the Louisville job he turned down. What the fuck is that movie called? Dana, why didn't you want to be a movie extra in Wrong Turn. Harrison, you don't get it. Any coach Mike Leach trained has to run his offense, and the university into the ground at Cal, and now SMU. Anyways - when is Dabo going to take recruiting to the next level, and start his own weed strain. Fucking I got that Dabo. 30 a G. Yeah itll be like one of those touch lamps where you can get the dim setting, its still on, but not, at the same time. That is your eye lids. Its all about sales man. You don't need to know shit about football anymore. Fuck Paul Brown actually inventing the West Coast offense, and not Bill Walsh. Every football game the score of a shitty basketball game in Creighton Nebraska. Pretty soon quarterbacks will have 9-10 touchdowns a game, like they are 3 point shooters on the warriors. Hey come here, huddle up. Huddle up. Look, the best part of waking up is folgers in your cup. Or breakfast after a nut. Everyone pull their phones out. Okay. I am going to tweet you the play call. Its going to be like Netflix and interactive movies. Where you can choose what you want to happen. The fans, opposing coaches following my account, everyone will be involved in the game. Will know the play. Okay -- tweets out- "Quarterback Draw 5x". Runs the QB draw five fucking times in a row. 1st down, 2nd down, 3rd down, penalty, 3rd down, 4th down. Touchdown. Kirby, are you not following fucking Harrison on twitter. They just fucking scored. You were the only one who didn't fucking get the play the call. Yeah, but Saban doesn't have a twitter account. So none of us ever thought we needed one. God dammit- Saban has a fucking strategy for fucking everything. He knew the Hudl would become an App.