Quarterback LessonS

The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback 

​QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about your imagination. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Maybe your problem is that you have no fucking imagination. I mean the earth is flat. I don't care what you say. Even Joe Rogan half believes it. Depending who is on his show that day. He gets so nervous when Neil Tyson DeGrasse tells him why he hired the rapped Drake to be a kid in a wheelchair for his TV show on Nickelodeon. Wrong DeGrasse. He is the dark part of the peace sign neckless of science. Billy Nye is the white side.  Eddie Bravo is scorched earth, but I like his passion. In the business world means, I can code, I use to have to login to my computer with MS DOS, for you-are-immature. I have a rule that if a group of people think the same thing. Its almost 100 percent wrong. Try it. Disagree. Its like when Austin Powers lights a cigarette and dances and the fembots heads start exploding. Just dance, it'll be okay. Song and dance man. I know they talk a lot about culture and core values at your job. But the reality is the pioneers of the world build Nikola Tesla's electricity tower. The folks you hire to help fund you at JP Morgan burn it down. And anyone who disagrees gets to sail on the Titanic. We can't be giving free electricity to these people, bro. Need to run a meter on that shit. Bill them before they leave their Christmas lights up all year long.  Pretty soon Google will be considered a utility too. You can't live without it. Google Steve Bannon's equity in the show Seinfeld. Speaking of comedians in cars getting coffee. The Uber guy Travis Kalanick. Likes to think of himself as the Wolf in Pulp Fiction. Says strategy is for amateurs, and tactics are for professionals. Hand to hand combat. Blunt force trauma. Say all these people do are hop on your governance huddle and they talk for five minutes about there grand plans, and then disappear like Michael Myers from the grass in the front yard in Halloween 1. Michael is out there killing bitches. That's why he got so many sequels.  Dr. Samuel Loomis has to run around telling all the cops he shot him six times. Yeah where is his fucking body doctor. Its Halloween night. I am driving around this sleepy ass town all god damn day. I know its not a federal holiday for some reason considering all the politicians are Satanists, but break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. What if someone just gave Micheal Myers a snicker? That was all he needed. Just hungry as shit. Tired of eating hospital food, and drawing pictures with crayons. Hungry, why wait? for his doctor. To come talk to him again about some shit that happened 20 years ago. Now Micheal-- do you want to know the score of the Bears game? Years of not speaking, he turns to Dr. Loomis - I miss Rex Grossman. I use to love Rex Grossman. He would drop back and throw bombs. One time they were playing in the orange bowl in Miami. And Rex went on a coke bender with cast of Jersey Shore at Club Liv during Season 3. Got benched by Spurrier for the first half. This hair does not fucking move. You have to wear a hair net Pauly. Its policy. Bro I go 155mph on my bike to work. The hair does not fucking move. I run an ice cream parlor man. Walks into the back to sort through stacks of disorganized accounting papers the Prophet Marcus Lamonis is going to use as an excuse to fire me and take my company from me. I emailed you for help man. Now even my wife is on your side. The Elite 11 MVP who had to later transfer to Miami Brock Berlin started. Jesse Palmer had already left for the Bachelor. Spurrier said he couldn't tell the difference between Grossman and Berlin throwing in practice. But definitely Shane Matthews with the Redskins. I am not gonna work these long hours to fix his mechanics. Ralph Frieden looked up from his sandwich at ESPN flash on the TV. Oh my god Tua's dad just admitted to beating his son with a belt.  We aren't going to get blown out. Looks at his players. Folks our game plan is to let Shaun Hill play for all 32 teams in the NFL before they find out he is fucking garbage. T Boone Pickens lost millions investing in green energy. Wind Mills. Every GM who ever gave Shaun Hills arm a contract. Dead birds everywhere. Unless him and Mike Martz at the 49ers played the Seahawks and lost. Great anticipation on these wide receiver tunnel screens Shaun. His throwing motion uglier than Alex Smith's leg injury. Even if no one is there. Just the colors of the wind. Not there Jerseys. Throw it. Anticipation.  Mike Martz use to say that a quarterback should take a 7 step drop and throw it at the hash mark at 22 yards to the dig route Sir Isaac Newton Bruce was running. The football magnet would connect the protons and the electrons together. Their hands.  Even if no one was there. Like the other end of Colin Kapernick's phone line. If you throw it they will come. Just throw it. Magnets, not gravity will cause them to catch it and land in bounds for a touchdown. You can take a knee when we win. We are still losing to Candace Owens. Kurt Warner was the only one who could figure it out until they benched him for Mark's bulge in his pants. They caught Jay Cutler on a hot Mic getting the play call, leaning back from the pisser with a cigarette in his mouth, at a Smokey pool hall, saying I DONT CARRRREE! Fucking hated Mike Martz. Get sacked every fucking play running 22 scat 5 man protection. More folks on routes, more chance for completions. And concussions. Turn your ass into that old lady from the Notebook who has to get read a book to remember her one true love. That is why Spurrier failed too. Moderate Dog Mattis wrote a letter to the President telling him how he didn't understand protections in Syria.  So Berlin Wall starts the game. Florida can't move the ball. Can't score. Can't do shit. Throwing Tim Wakfield knuckle balls all over the field. Looks like the football is doing a fucking cartwheel out of his hand. You know one time the Vikings were whooping the bears ass and Jim McMahon had a neck injury so he was high as shit on 2 Vicodin. Its like the 3rd quarter, and they get the punt and offense runs on the field. Jim waves off Chris Chandler or Doug Flutie, one of the 27 quarterbacks since Sid Luckman, and for the Dolphins Dan Marino. Irony of Cutler unable to replace either. So Steve Young says Jim McMahon was the one who taught him how to throw as a Freshman, and eventually take over for Joe Montana. Steve Young calls his dad to transfer after that season, Dad I know grandpa is literally Brigham Young but I am frustrated I am not playing. He has to call 1-800 collect from a payphone. Did anyone ever actually get a bill from these calls? How much was it? But he calls him from like a circle K. Dad I am sad, but at least Jim is teaching me how to throw the ball like a spin top. And also drink beer. One night he got so hammered he leaned over his dinner plate and stabbed himself in the eye with a fork. Kinda True. He was three. Anyways Jim McMahon-- they asked him what his favorite memory of BYU was and he said- seeing it with one eye in his rearview window of the Tahoe Harrison had at NC State. Reflections man. Lets go to Flying Saucer. Anyways so Jim goes into the Bears game. They call a screen pass. Which Brock Berlin would have executed perfectly for Spurrier for a 4 yard gain. And Jim drops back and throws it to the fucking X receiver running his man off with a post. The guy catches this bomb for a touchdown. He throws another. The bears win the game. Jim goes into Ditka's office cracks open a Coors Light, kicks his feet up on the desk, and says lets talk about my contract. Ditka says- I just thought he was thirsty. Hey let me get a sip of that beer. Takes a baby aspirin. Berlin gets benched at halftime. Rex Grossman throws 4 touchdown passes in the second half. They beat the dog shit out of Maryland. Ralph Friedgan chokes on his Mamma Cass Elliot ham sandwich. 15 years later they hire DJ Durkin to kill a student athlete. Cataclysmic events man. Flat earth. The only pictures of earth from space are from MGM grand. Stanley Kubrick directed the moon landing to get the US a heads up on the Russian Space Program. DJ Durkin isn't a consultant at Alabama for bowl season. Because he killed a fucking kid on his team like Brian Kelly at Notre Dame. Home Depot Coaches of the Year. Couldn't fix the film tower. Maybe DJ Durkin is Trump, and Brian Kelly is Hillary. That is why it doesn't matter to James Comey if they are in the College Football Playoff.  How does that even work? Guys we are going to condition. We are going to run until you fucking die. No one at that University was like hey man its cool. Go get some water. Get some Gatorade, want a Cliff Bar? You got low blood sugar. You know we have a restaurant in our gym right. Go grab a Randall Cobb salad. Relax. You're actually here for an education as well. I mean I can't ride my fucking bicycle recumbent bike on the Pinellas County trail without a water bottle. I take breaks. I get to Bellaire and I stop at a seafood shop for a Mahi Mahi sandwich, apply some more sun screen. 25 100 yard sprints with parachutes at 16 second intervals now. Dead serious. No pun intended. I use to hear rumors about Tim Tebow at Florida that they would run stadium steps and he would get all the way to the top first. They do this contest for grip where two players hold each end of a hand towel to play tug-a-war. Cam Newton is the only player to beat him. He would get to the top of the stadium steps. And Look down like Batman at Gotham City. At all his teammates lagging and gaggling their way up the stadium. I will never let this team lose again.  Got him to be able to pray with Paul Finebaum 1x week. We are going to run until you fucking get to pray with Paul Finebaum one time a god damn week for the rest of your fucking lives DJ Durkin was screaming at this kid. You hear me Marcus Spears. Student Sports athlete of the year who fucking looks like Maurice Jones Drew now. Undefeated at De La Salle high school. 153-0. UCLA running back, Jaguars. Looks like a grand slam at Denny's. Looks up at the waitress. Excuse me Flow, like the TV show. What is the soup of the day? Hmm I'll have that. The earth isn't flat. Its round. Benjamin Franklin's telescope says so. He also discovered lightning by flying a kite during a rainstorm outside his bedroom window. A couple of palm tree frams tied up with a bed sheet? just blowing in the wind. Bed sheets are heavy as fuck. Especially in you have expensive down comforter ones like me. Go ahead. Follow some flat earth accounts on Instagram. At first you are like fuck no. You text Steph Curry. Bro the earth is flat. He says yeah fucking right. Lays in bed watching these videos. A few weeks later he sends you a link from Instagram on a flat earther video. Admiral Byrd trying to find a break in the Antarctica sea wall sixty thousand miles long. Can't find one. You start researching Agartha. You are like fuck. Steven Spielberg tried to tell me about this shit in Lord of the Rings. Why was every movie before Obama became President showing Morgan Freeman as President? It use to be like Tim Robbins, or Josh Brolin. I don't know. Email is still scratching its head like why the fuck is the mailbox still around. I thought we discussed this shit. How many 1 hour of internet connect AOL cd's do you think AOL still has in their inventory. Fuck people use to use us for the internet, but now we just keep changing CEO's because somehow every teenager in the year 2003 use to cyber sex on AOL instant messenger with their high school girlfriends, but some how they all migrated and left for snapchat. Like blackberries to iPhone. Except for Kim Kardashian who still buys them from eBay and uses them. And their CEO is CEO of the year 2x because of their anticipation of excellent security offerings during a time when everyone is hacking the internet. Because what the fuck was everyone doing at our company when we had everyone using AOL instant messenger but we didn't just let them share fucking pictures you piece of shit fucking engineers. Want a fully stocked bar, and catered food, and a DJ at the office every day.  God dammit. You're all fucking fired. Get the fuck out of my office. Elon Musk says that a CEO's true path is through the engineers department, not the marketing department. Ask Marissa Mays $500K Halloween Parties. They said people will walk by his office, and he will just scream out his door and fire you. The news said that. I am just telling you what the news said. What business insider article google told me to click on said about him. All you had to do Tim Armstrong was let people share pictures and add a like button. You had one fucking job as CEO. And Marissa Mayer bought stock in Alibaba. Actually solid move. Touche' my lord. Tim you're still in fucking time out. One fucking job. Not change our name to Oath like we are a Killswitch Engage song. Not go to Journeys in the mall for some Pumas to wear during your key note speeches where you pretend to be a guitar player for August Burns Red instead of the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Fuck AOL, and Fuck Rite Aid because I thought Amazon was going to buy them for distribution centers, and then they didn't. And the stock fucking sucks. Then Albertsons didn't buy them either. Fucking rite aid. $6 dollar bottles of Dial disinfectant whenever you need IB Profen, and 5lb bags of Sour Patch Watermelons from the candy section.  What do you want to be when you are older? I want to cut peoples hair at Floyds Barber Shop. Rent my own booth. Every client just wants there haircut like a Boston Red Sox Player. Ill take the Bryce Harper please. Hairdresser stares at you. You pull his picture up on google. This one.  Hey can you edge a part on the side. Yeah fade the beard too. I want to look like Helter Skelter minus joining a cult  the CIA promised me unlimited supplies of LSD for anarchy to be in. You know when the Unabomber was born he was isolated for 100 days without his mom. Those first few days are extremely important for contact. He sent a manifesto saying technology would ruin the world. He was so out of touch.  Like when you can't touch a baby bird with your human hands or the mom will leave it fallen out of the nest. Mom he just tried to save me. I don't care. I don't need you fucking bringing home whatever the cat dragged in and telling me he is your boyfriend. God dammit mom. Runs upstairs to your room, and cries in your pillow until you hear your boyfriend lean a ladder against your window sill. Fuck I forgot to put a RING on her window sill. In Clarissa Explains It All that is the pesky next door neighbor who is a great friend and means no harm. Sean says he doesn't even like girls. He likes guys. If you climb into a women's window with a ladder in 2018.  In the current political landscape that means you're just another Miss America contestant Trump put his fingers in your mouth to inspect your teeth. Hey let me see those chompers. Vanessa you have great teeth. Don't forget to smile. Some people own horses. Some people own beauty pageants. Bankers own people. This social security number isn't my employee ID. Its just another cell phone number ATT assigned my new apple series 4 watch. They said it doesn't matter but will be on the bill for organizational purposes. Temple fades. I can't fucking think man. Getting my haircut by this emo chick. You want the massage at the end. No I don't want to get jerked off in a barber shop. No its this electric hand thing that vibrates that your wife ordered from the sex and wellness shop on Amazon. Get the fuck off me. Go pay my $26 dollars for a fucking haircut. Fuck that I could have learned to cut my own hair at home. You know when you go into the military you learn how to give yourself a fade, edge yourself up. Gonna look good for skype. Baby I promise ill be home in 6 years. Just keep doing what you're doing being a waitress. Cike, Not anymore. Trump just signed an order to send us home from Afghanistan. Brian Meade tweeted from the banana republic outlet mall that it was a bad idea. Lets party.  You don't need to spend any money getting your haircut on a Friday. Unless you're Stephen Garcia from the Elite 11 and Alabama takes your scholarship because you won't cut your Alexander the Great sword collecting hair. For the club man. Need great haircut for the club. Not even Ron Ron juice got more fades at Keith's Barber Shop than me. You can't be at the club without a fresh fade man. Nilsa from Flori-Bama shore she wants to fuck your haircut. I am going to win this twerk contest. Even if it means that any time I go to get hired and someone googles me that I get an email that says they have selected other candidates with more qualifying experience. What do you mean? I can drink fireball and fucking pop that pussy in a handstand. Put that pussy on his sideburns like Nicki Minaj says she does to her boyfriend Safari. Its a jungle out there. You're a different cat man.  What hair style do you want? I want the guy from Skrillex. I want everyone at Barnes and Noble in the mall to think of Columbine when they see my haircut. Options man. Imagination. Who do I want to be? I get nervous looking at Cheesecake factories menu. Umm fried Mac and Cheese balls and Linda's Fudge Cake. You ever go out to eat with a co-worker and they order a chicken sandwich. You are like fuck man that chicken sandwich is your entire life encapsulated into one bite. Your tinder profile says your name is Kurt the human chicken salad sandwich. Savory and sweet. With some sliced apples. I am dating a human croissant. He always butters me up but he is such a flake. Dad says that when you meet a girl you need to take her to a steakhouse. Order the biggest steak on the menu. Make her watch you eat the whole thing. So she knows you are a T-Rex and you are going to tear her ass up. In the 90's you could say shit like that and no one cared. My boyfriend is straight out of Jurrasic Park Carol. That scene where they lower the cattle into the raptor cage. That's my vagina.  He inspires me so much. I am going back to community college to be a Veternarian. Your imagination is a Calendar. Hey when do you have time to discuss the upcoming RFP? Just put it on my Calendar. Yeah I am going to take the fucking time to go in and update your fucking calendar with some time for me to ask you a fucking question. Put it on my calendar. Pour my fucking coffee on your head. My calendar doesn't show shit. Man Harrison has the day off every day. All he does is make football throwing videos and send out divisive tweets that earn 7,500 impressions every 24 hours. Folks don't realize that there is a reason that GMAIL is free. This means that they are selling your emails to advertisers. Nothing in life is free. Dumb. Except for exercise. Lets go for a jog. The first 1/4 mile your legs are waking up and tingling. Your feet hurt. Man this sucks I might fucking quit. Wait a second. I like this song. Oh man I am going to keep going. Keep running. I am starting to get numb. I can't feel anything. Sweating is official. I wear a hoodie to make me sweat more. Like those wrestlers in high school who use to lay out on the sidewalks behind the gym in trash bags. What are the requirements for this sport? Lay out in the street with fucking black 40 gallon trash bags taped around your body. I never wanted to wrestle. Not because I wouldn't easily win the State Champion. Not because I don't have the torso of a fucking Mako Shark. But basically because I never understood practice. They would lock themselves in the wrestling mat room. With the doors shut and the AC off. No coordination at all. Just fucking grappling for 2 hours. Coach are we going to do anything else. Yeah lets work on slamming each other in the floor. I want you to pretend like Ted Bundy just rolled your dead body up into a carpet and threw you in the trunk of his VW Beetle. And then Parker here slams you into the mat. Then lay there while he lays on top of you. BTW Trump has never sent an email in his entire life. He handwrites all of his messages with permanent marker. You read his note. Just got the intelligence presidential briefing and the earth is flat. Mark Cuban takes that note and puts it in the paper shredder fucking immediately. His hand written letters blow up like Tom Cruise's cell phone. I thought setting this paper on fire would get the fireplace going. No you need sticks and kindle you fucking idiot. Go outside and get some.  Anyways there is this Netflix show Maniac with Jonah hill where he signs up for some shitty donating blood in college psychological experiment with Elon Musks artificial intelligence girlfriend. Emma Stone is in there too. How come her agent hasn't one time asked her to fucking go tan? Go get a fucking planet fitness membership and sit in the fucking tanning band for 10 minutes a day until you look like Jennifer Lopezs new M & A acquisition A - Rod. You know that celebrities don't even like each other. They are just two corporations merging. They vet each other through the E network with Cat Sadler who they don't pay enough. I want to get paid like man. Go get a fucking construction hat. Build us another Paradise Bakery Café in the South Dallas. Gentrification man. TJ Maxes everywhere. Panera gift cards for Christmas on every aisle. What else? Chicken Fil A's. Ryan Serhant on Million Dollar listing is trying to sell me a $2M dollar apartment in Brooklyn. What about the vampires? No were good. Wesley Snipes was hauled off by the IRS and his suit lost the Heisman trophy. Great, Ill take it. Yale review says the greatest way to obtain wealth is to buy a piece of property, or a house. Own it and sell it. Why do I feel like buying a penthouse in New York is like buying a Mercedes Benz. Instead of that Altima that rides for 275,000 miles with no problems. You buy a closed system circuit like an apple product. Which Steve jobs purposely made that way so that all the accessories, chargers, and other items-- you had to purchase and he could profit just for you to try to use it. Here is a canoe, no fucking oars. Use your hands to row up shits creek. But long story short, a Mercedes Benz basically requires its own tools. Its why when Triple A tows your entire paycheck over to Christian Brothers. They  call you on the phone and tell you that they don't have European engineers. You just call Triple A right back up, and ask them to fucking tow it again because why the fuck did you tell me to tow it there in the first place when I told you I had a fucking Mercedes Benz. Not a Chevy Cobalt. Paris Climate agreement says we only support electric cars now. Sorry. You know what screw cars. Lets just leave lime bikes all over the fucking city. They cost $25 to make, and after 5 or 10 homeless people ride them around like they just got a Audi Q8 for Christmas, it will pay for itself. Well just send a guy around town 1 time a week with a GPS to make sure they don't have flat tires, and are mostly on their kickstands. This is a $2B industry by the way. All you had to do was buy all the bikes in the bike section at Toys R Us. And leave them around the city for people to ride. You didn't have to tell everyone the world was a spinning ball of hot hair. You don't need a huge thick rounded computer on your desk. Something else and easy to understand. I don't want a fucking stylus for the IPAD. They’ll lose it. Their minds. I want people to feel it in their hands. The iPad. Its nice and thin, and flat. Genius. Use your imagination.