The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback ‚Äč

Quarterback Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you how to avoid the Madden Curse. Trust your Quarterback Coaching in McKinney in Dallas. Listen to your QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas. The Madden Curse is real. Its not just a video game curse. Elon Musk says we are just living in a major simulation created by beings thousands of years ago. He might be right. Because these football coaches think that I am just a video player create-a-player and they can just pick plays from their couch on the sideline, press X and ill throw the slant route. They press R2 and ill pump fake. They press square and ill throw the flat. They press 0 and ill check it down to the running back.  

These cocky coaches sit there on the sidelines with their play sheet templates laminated, and color coded for any down and distance. Its bigger than the food menu at Cheesecake Factory. No one can understand the menu. Every time I eat there I get confused about what to get. I just get the Linda's Fudge Cake and a big ass glass of milk. I am just going to throw it deep. I am confused. This happens all the time by the way. Quarterbacks short circuit. They don't understand or forget the play call, and just wing that sucker. The pressure of the time, people staring at you, snap count, and you just drop back and the same way your laptop freezes, your brain just needs cntl alt delete wizard, and just close down all web browsers. 

The coach gets to relax from their comfortable sideline, looking like they just stepped out the shower and gelled their hair. Perfect hair the entire game. Look at Sean McVay. Hot. Great sweater man! Looks over at Jim Tressel. Looks like he is hosting a Christian charity the entire game. Its because the coaches get to bring the answers to the test to the game. They aren't worried about failing. Failure is not preparing right dad. The quarterback is on the field doing real calculus problems with no calculator. He is the real super natural. The coach is on the sideline with his T83 relaxed, writing out little notes, and acing his exam, smiling. Turns it in early to his Vietnamese student assistant. Let me tell you about these laminated sheets. They answers written on your thighs during the finals. 

Those laminated sheets are created by quality control coaches who make like $12/HR and have to eat at the student eatery every day for dinner. They get no sleep. They hit up the salad buffet with turkey, bacon bits, ranch dressing. Just pure I have work to do, and have to hurry through dinner, type food. They are stuck and hold up in a small media room scattered with DVD's and computer monitors and cups of coffee. They breakdown film for the first half of the week, to find the green patches of grass, then they put together these call sheets. They are little Christmas elves. There are over 172 plays per game that are on this play call sheet.

The coach again, is relaxed. He knows the answer. He tapped his pencil on a call for 2nd down in the 3rd quarter and needs 4 yards. Boop - Okay, Harrison I want trey rt zebra left 200 jet dragon 3 deep lion 2 deep back. I am sitting out of the field 90,000 people screaming at me. Trying to read this in coded signals, and poster board. The coach thinks his play call is as easy as sending a GIF to your friend about the Deep State. I only get half the play, and have to guess the other half. It works. I think. 

Every single week.

The same way you press a button and turn on Madden on your PlayStation. And you select packages and play calls for the Broncos. This is what is happening in football today. That play selection screen. Trips, Twins, Zebra. The coach clicks the play, the quarterback is just supposed to throw it to he says. The coach is opening you up like you are his favorite IOS app. Most likely your coach is trying to invent an algorithm to where he can get ride of having to even have a quarterback. Just a play. Hell maybe just let the computer snap it and throw it. The quarterback is just the upload button on an Instagram account. The person who sends Trumps Tweets. 

Man Trump is a genius man. 

The quarterback gets no respect and almost means nothing.

Think about the vantage points of a game.

The quarterback is actually the one under center, in the POV, staring into the teeth of destiny, running the play. You know that feeling right before you get into a fist fight. That is what its like to be under center staring at the linebacker in front of you. Every time you score it means you kissed his girlfriend.

See that is why I need a coach, because I am too busy trying to stay alive. I can't concentrate enough to formulate my own play calls. Just feed them to me like IB Profen for the ass beating I am getting out here. The coach is also a cure for a headache.

I don't know -- ranting. 

Dead serious-- My old Coach Norvell use to have 10-15 cases of red bull is his office. He would drink 5-10 cans a day. 

Your coach will walk into your quarterback meeting with socks and sandals on in basketball shorts, like they never grew up, and most of them are ex- players who can't run or throw, or do anything, and most likely played at small D2 and D3 colleges, but tried really hard at exercising and working out, and liked to be led. They are usually walk ones with a chip on their shoulder. Short & ugly, never spend time with their wives. So they became coaches in the long run. They really didn't do things like play piano, or guitar, or any extra curriculum activities. They just watched a lot of varying sports while they walked on the treadmill. Then became a coach. They are all pissed off because they spent years going to get hot dogs for Terry Bowden at lunchtime, or getting sent to Best Buy to buy a new TV remote for the other coaches to watch film. They probably went 5-10 years of making scraps, have about three master degrees, because they have to find a way to stay in school somehow, before they ever actually get a chance to call a play in the game. But when they do, they are the toughest, most resentful, most mission oriented, on a path of destruction sons of bitches  that you have ever met. They are going to pay you back for their sacrifice. If you don't listen you are done. If you are cocky or confident, or have extreme talent they will try to take you down a notch and turn you into a blue collar dirt merchant with a pumpkin pie haircut. Jon Gruden use to make Rich Gannon come into work at 4am to study football. For what? That is not even a safe time to wake up for your body. But again -- its that earthy, I installed my own grass, type rhetoric they code on. They don't see big pictures. You won't catch them on the big screen. They think about 3rd and 2 the same way people write poems. The same way that Shakespeare used to write Othello. Is the dedication that coaches put into writing their playbooks. You can't change one word. You can't alter one lyric. There are no radio edits, SoundCloud remixes, nothing when it comes to the coaches playbook. It is the US Constitution, the Holy Bible, you cannot change it for 200 years. The quarterback is like when you get elected into office. And you try to change the Medicare laws-- and you find out that you can't just sign your name on an executive document. You have to go through congress to get it done. Or the fans.  And all you wanted to do was switch the flat route a swing route. Its literally the same concept. But you have no authority as the quarterback. You are basically the X button on the controller. Maybe I need to start a media war like Aaron Rodgers and take veiled shots at Mike McCarthy per news conference. Anyways -\ Look -- the real madden curse is playing quarterback. It is so much fun.

Sometimes you get a coach who lets you call your own plays. If so, you'll make it to the Hall of Fame. You will be Jim Kelly in the K -Gun, or Dan Marino (Before Jimmy Johnson ruined him), etc. Jimmy said- no Dan, we call running plays around here. Even though its obvious you are the greatest throwing quarterback in the history of the planet. Lets run the ball. Dan. Dan Marino immediately turned into a killer whale in captivity at Sea World. Just waiting for the aquarium to close, so he can swim full speed into the glass. Either to escape, or to put himself out of his capture whale misery. And not even by Captain Ahab. Right Eli Manning. Ben McAdoo. 

But anyways -- I can help you manage this process, and tell you how to manage up, and make you successful at thriving inside the quarterback football matrix. I have been there, and I personally know the Asian guy with all the keys for the random doors you have to open to find your way out. I am the person you call when Agent Smith arrives, and you need to answer the landline and portal back to the mothership. 

I am the greatest quarterback horse whisperer to ever live. 

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