Quarterback LessonS

​QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about parents. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. You know what I love most about Trump. Is his family. He doesn't do anything without his family. Like Hillary Clinton hiring her cousins in Arkansas to book all the Presidential Travel, catering and other events.  He becomes President and his family band aids together to stop the bleeding of his finances from the Trump Organization. Diane Feinstein enters the white house making $174K a year, and is worth $50m dollars. Trump enters and loses money. You tell me what's going on. His son is on the road rallying all Christians pretending to be Billy Graham in 1984 with that smoking hot Kimberly Guilfoyle. Dear god. You know she was a federal prosecutor at one point. Do you think she was like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct? During the interview she wore a short skirt and just Megan Kelly'd him.  Hopefully a little Sharon Stone Casino too. That scene where Joe Pesci consoles her is when Trump Jr. accidently leaves her in the oval office alone. Man you are great at playing craps babe. Come here and tell me your secrets. You know Jesse Watters from the Five is like god dammit. I put in so much time bringing her Starbucks every fucking day. They say the number 1 way people lose money in advice from Financial Advisers is that they tell you not to pay $5 dollars a cup of coffee. All Howard Shultz did was go to Italy and realize that people don't drink coffee they drink expresso. So he comes back to the States and sells hardcore expresso rebranded as coffee. One cup of Starbucks EXPRESSO is worth 3.5 red bulls. And you wonder why the line at the airport is 35 people deep. El Chapo wouldn't have gone to prison if he just sold Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes instead. And he could have actually told his wife what he was doing. Hey, he rolled the dice and lost. You snooze you lose. Trump says you can't compete with others sleeping 12-14 hours a day, you have to sleep 3-4 hours a day. Jack Welch said the Saudi's don't sleep on Sunday.  People can't live in these conditions. Hey, place your bets. The Trump family are a bunch of riverboat gamblers. His great grandfather use to follow the 49ers gold rush crews up the mountains and if a horse died. He would drag the horse down the hill. Chop it up to make cheeseburgers to feed to the working men. The United States isn't the only country that doesn't eat horse meat like the French do. How hungry does Macron get watching Black Beauty? Entrepreneurship at its finest. Original Trump hotels in the early 1900's were actually brothels for these miners. You should watch his documentary on Netflix. You think you are tight because you got a job at fucking Facebook selling people's private messages to Netflix. There is one story in the book Art of the Deal about trying to convince investors that some railyards were a major piece of property he had acquired. So he calls up the construction crews and tells them to bring the machines out, and just start digging holes. The investors are walking and watching the folks work, and pleasantly surprised that action has already commenced. Trump is just hoping that one of them doesn't notice that one of the guys has scooped and filled the same hole 3 times now. Like my first date with your mom. Tricks he learned from his dad growing up in the real estate industry. Trumps father use to make him walk the building every night, all the floors turning light switches off. Electricity costs money. Penny Pincher. Margins. Blue Bonnet margarine at the store is .99 cents and regular salted cream butter is $3.49 cents. Which one do you get? Why? Maybe you are going for the gold. The expensive stores and restaurants and staircases in your lobby that your dad advised you against building, but you did anyway, and stuck a Trump Tower in the heart of the Manhattan Jews sacred land. Defying all gravity. Like at the end of buffy the vampire slayer when she jams a white picket fence into the heart of the vampire globalists sucking the blood out of our country. This tower is to prove your wrong dad. I can do it. George W says I am running for Governor and I am going to win. But its Jeb's time son. So Look its all about the parents. Did you know that every single quarterback - something like in the 90 percentile range - far high above your shitty SAT score, has a dad that is still alive. My mom signed me up for an SAT class that I would go to once a week. Some of the kids in there had absolutely no future so they studied really hard so they could get really expensive student loans that they would have to max out credit cards and get waitress jobs to pay off 40 years later. I want a house, but instead you got an education. The Yale Review does say that the fastest way to get rich is to purchase property. But no its to be an Uber Driver. Or is it. Because I made $1300 this week with no boss no emails and directly deposited into my bank account every Wednesday. But at the same time I just spent $900 repairing my Mercedes. Yeah but I did the math and I still make like $400 and that is more than having to do a calendar for my boss at Tight Ends. Girls can't drive Uber. Well she should have tested better then. The independent gig economy where you have no family or friends because you drive all fucking day like the bone collector. I knew Uber was worth it when one time I was in Austin and had to quickly grab a yellow cab. It was right there in front of me. I get in and its taking me home. I get to the Hotel, and I try to get out and the doors are locked. The cab driver goes, you are going to tip me you understand. I looked at him like please god don't end up in the Ninja Turtle sewer tied up with splinter reading me a verse from the book of Genesis. I read a lot of books that is why I am so fucking smart. Like a human encyclopedia. Irritatingly smart. Tim Tebow scored like a 400 SAT but got straight A's from being home schooled so he could get into Florida. I actually only got an 900 but I told you I was smart confidently and you believed me. So fuck off.  No one would see him all day, and then all sudden the sports start and here comes Tim Tebow trotting out to practice. Hey Tim. Bring your helmet. Its little league so he would have a John Elway jersey from Dicks Sporting Goods stretched out his shoulder pads. In Florida, I have seen kids with a Crabby Bills shirt stretched over their shoulder pads. Some folks have good and bad parents. But every single major starting NFL quarterback has a strong dad behind them. Think about Brett Favre on the night his dad died just throwing the ball up into the air. His dad catching the ball in the clouds, and dropping it on Greg Jennings head for a touchdown. Do you think that when Coach Sherman would call a play into his helmet, it came through in his dads voice. Now Brett- you throw it deep son. Is all he heard. No one in the huddle knew what the fuck to do. Brett would just say, go deep Greg for my dad. His center walking out of the huddle was like guys look Brett is fucked up right now. So just run slide protection. One time Greg Jennings walked late at night into the packers office, and into the film room. Brett was sitting in there watching film. He creaked the door open, and Brett looked up. Now Greg was still a younger receiver. Got nervous like he had just walked in on his parents fucking on Halloween night and shut the door. Greg, wtf I thought you were out trick or treating with your friends. His dad putting his belt back on, what kind of candy did you get? Reaches his nasty fucking mom hand into his orange pumpkin of candy. Dude no parents wash their hands. You ever seen your dad change the breaks on his Toyota Tundra and then eat a turkey sandwich with oil and grease all over his fucking fingers. His hand in black face. Greg leaned against the door and prayed he wouldn't get grounded by dad. Or cut.  Brett looked at him like wtf are you doing interrupting my Othello in the Garden Siliquoy and Solace time alone. That gentile darkness filling the creaks and crevices, and voids of  his body. Truly alone in that film room. Like when you hold your breath in your neighbors pool and go under water a bunch. You just want to be a manatee for 30 minutes. Just the silence of being under water in the pool. Man my breathe lasts longer when I don't try to swim and just float. Maybe these sea cows are onto something. You come up for air and go right back down. Your ears are below the surface just as your wife is like wtf are you doing in the deep end. Are you going to get out and eat the fucking hot dog I made for you? Your son is eating. Dad.  Your ears and nostrils. Your eyes. All filled with silence like Bradley Coopers ears in a Star to Be Born. Man I can't hear my guitar after 20 years of being on the road. What chord am I playing? I am not wearing these fucking ear aids you fucking hear me. I am a fucking Rockstar. God dammit. You sold the fucking property I bought for dads grave. He screams at his brother who doesn't know what to think anymore. Thank god Peter King isn't around to talk to me about the 15 things he thinks he thinks. I bet Peter King thinks football couldn't exist without him. He has been in so many locker rooms, around so many players, written so many articles, that he has convinced himself a pillar of the NFL game. He is the Santa Claus of the NFL. Sneaks down the Chimney into your locker room. Puts his hand in the middle after a big win. Breaks the team down. No one even questions it. Quarterback on three. 1, 2, 3. Quarterback. One of the third string players is like wtf kind of breakdown is that. Even if he is just a $10 dollar tater tot someone dropped on the way back to their seat. Peter King sure can waste a Monday morning man. Did you submit your bid? No I was reading Sports Illustrated. Peter was wondering why there are no so many burger restaurants. There use to just be Five Guys. $10 dollars is a lot for some NFL tater tots. Not with the Falcons the food is cheap and affordable right. For the common man. For your dad. Dad lets go to a game. You know what I hate about going to NFL games is that during the 2nd to 3rd quarters I just want to take a nap on my couch. I head out to the stove. I scoop out some taco soup into a bowl. Put a handful of cheddar cheese on top. I head back to the couch and I pound it. I eat it. I head back to the fridge, and chug milk straight from the gallon. Go brush my teeth. And I go take a 3 hour nap. The first thirty minutes are me scrolling through twitter and Instagram laughing at the fucking review of Luke McCaffrey Severe just posted. He throws a nice screen pass! Holy shit. Lets pack this kid up right now and drive him back to Michigan with us. Scott Loefller came to my high school practice and said that to me and my coach. That is how you get on America's Most Wanted Steve. I am not going on another road trip to Las Vegas from Florida with my folks and getting handed books to practice my multiplication on the way. Dad can we stop for food. I am hungry. You just ate 6 hours ago. Yeah I am fucking hungry. Fucking stop.  Bad parenting. Some parents ask you to hike into Europe from Syria. We don't take planes, trains or automobiles. Like that Guy Ritchie movie. He is from Europe right. We walk. We earn this migration process. Us and the 1,000 sub tribes being displaced in Afghanistan will walk together. Collin Powell said that hard part of being in Afganistan is that they can take 1 backup worth of food, and live in the mountains for 6 months. Resilient. Like Jalen Hurts dad. Son just live off your school backup, there's a lunchable in there and one day you will re emerge from your cave and win the SEC championship when they least expect it. Mom was too busy to put spaghettios in a hot thermos for you, and Michelle Obama took away school personal pan pizzas. You know Todd Maronovich's dad use to stretch his hamstrings when he was like 3 years old in the crib. See everyone in the world is trying to do this cross fit bullshit. But its really about if you can do a split or not. Can you dance or not. Are you the guy who goes to the club and you don't know how to fucking dance. You just stand off to the side staring at the girls like you are a Rivals analyst trying to figure out which one does a great three cone drill. Well she did say she was a volleyball player. Look at Daphne over there. She has happy feet. That's the girl that runs out to the dance floor to dance to Mambo Number 5 in a group. After Mo Bamba is done clapping buttcheeks. She didn't want to get ratchet in the locker room with the Kentucky Players, and there coach. Get Asia Argento'd. Let me see your ID son. Probably likes Lena Dunham, and voted for Cynthia Nixon in NY.  Her choice of music such a drastic turn of events. Perspective. The Mo Bamba chick has an Instagram like Cardi B. Watch me laser hair removal my vagina today with my wig off. WTF.  What college do I go to? David Cutliffe told me Ole Miss had the hottest girls in the country. Then  I saw Brian Stumpf balls tweet last night that to not listen to your coaches, or parents or anyone because it is your decision where you want to go play college football. Not to pick a convenient location where your folks can find affordable flights to actually come see you play. Mom, I am going to the University of Hawaii. The mom of that Alabama recruit walks off the stage set up in high school library. Son we live in fucking Florida. Yeah mom, just pay $3,500 a week for 8 weeks and come see me play. Quarter of your salary just spend it, and 50-60 hours of your life in airplanes, just to come see me throw some passes for Nick Raviolivich. They are good again mom. One time a year they fly into Boise State. You can go to Idaho too. No you da hoe.  Look look here is Spirit airlines. It says only $300 dollars for the flight, and eventually $100 for each bag, and $15 to enter the plane, and $25 for Wifi, and $20 for apple juice. Cheap. Your hard work pays out.  Not Tua's dad he moved to Alabama. Arrived there was like fuck. Hawaii has Asians' everywhere celebrating their attack on Pearl Harbor. You ever been to Pearl Harbor. You can see the tears of the sailors in the form of oil dripping to the surface. And those ones, they are Ben Affleck' tears. They made a nice steel walk way in there honor. All kinds of colorful fish swimming around. And Japanese folks taking pictures. You don't know whether you are at a fucking funeral or a wedding. Why is Hitashi smiling, and have a purple hello kitty wig on? with a baby binky in her mouth. This isn't Barbarellas nigh club in Austin. Tua's dad gets to Alabama is like fuck. We just went from $8 a gallon milk, or weird cinnamon Hawaiian bread sold in all grocery stores for $6 loaf in a time machine all the way back to the civil rights era. Right side, Left Side. Hey its that linebacker Ray from Remember the Titans. Honey, I saw Ray from Remember the Titans in Walmart today. And some members of the KKK too. Its legal. Its called the Democratic Party here. Leaves Hawaii where Obama's birth certificate was born. You know Tua thinks he is Japanese he always does this weird fucking Tom Cruise Last Samurai hands together bow after every touchdown. His offensive coordinator looks at Saban. God dammit coach all I can call is a fucking fly route, or a wide receiver bubble screen. Or else he fakes an ankle injury. Well at least Alabama has the bible part of his dads belt. The bible belt. Omg I am genius. Instead of waking up to the beautiful glistening beaches. The ones that cause a wind so strong that none of the houses in Hawaii have air conditioning. You are on vacation with your parents sweating your nut sack off. Mom I just fucking showered, you made me bring the trash out, and I am sweating again. Ill go inside to cool down. First dad won't get me food, now I have no AC.  Can you please god turn the AC on? The Airbnb filter said it had AC that is why I booked this fucking place. Opens window. Ill jump out this fucking window. Look the beaches in Hawaii too are you get to the shore, and can just bring your snorkel gear. Snorkel right off the beach. It drops to about 45 feet deep 10 feet off the shore. You want to snorkel son, said Steve Irwin? Fuck no. I need to run your zoo after your stingray attack. Steve puts his mask on and wades in. I hate the fucking beach. I hate the sand. I hate the sun. I am like Wednesday from the Adams family. Even though I look like Uncle Fester. Tropical ass food. You want some Mahi Mahi with some mango glaze salsa and a pineapple covered in A1 steak sauce. No I want OJ Simpsons Ford Bronco in line at Burger King.  Or in Kris Jenners driveway while I make Khloe Kardashian. Lets take a plane to the next island. Its the same plane Tom Cruise used in American Made to run drugs for George Bush Sr. and the CIA. A puddle jumper. You hit a cloud harder than Tim Tebow hit that baseball after signing that young kids autograph, and the kid said will you hit a home run for me Tim, and he did, first swing. I was watching at home on my twitter feed. Small tear hit my eye like Tua's mom watching that Game Day special about her domestic violet issues his dad buys her flowers to ignore. We are puritans. Said the first folks to America. You give us corn. Well give you meat. How come Rev. Jesse Jackson always comes out for Black Lives Matter, but the Rock didn't step up from his cheat day of eating a stack of thirteen chocolate chip pancakes, and condemn Tom Rinaldi. No one disrespects people from the Island of Wai Kee Kee. Just wearing a tonga  in the weight room. Beats a drum and summons zues to hit to Alabama with a hurricane flood. No one. He is getting too big, looks like a bowflex commercial now. What did Gary Patterson say about Baker Mayfield's dad? Wait until you meet his dad. Piece of shit. Why-- because he wants his son to be the starting quarterback. The dad is the players first agent. The players first coach. That is where you learn to throw. Some dads wear Ralph Lauren sweat pants, and put Gel in there hair, and look comfy like a fucking pottery barn sofa you can't afford. Dad you want to play catch? No I can't because my dad didn't teach me to throw either. Irv Favre picks Brett up and throws him in the fucking alligator creek behind his house, and says son go catch me a fucking alligator. Prove your worth to this family. That thing has been keeping me up with the Kardashians all god damn night barking. Maybe your dad is more concerned with his jinxy cat. Maybe he is a CIA agent. You think James Comey ever taught his son to throw. Or he just makes him read the constitution. Son you memorize the rule of law you hear me boy. But dad I have lacrosse practice. Is Lacrosse going to save us from these fucking Russian memes they keep releasing on Instagram. During World War 2 soldiers had to get out of a fucking boat on the beaches of Normandy. Frank Ganz a long time special teams coach for the Kansas City Chiefs came to speak to the Nebraska Cornhuskers. He told the story of preparation H. Sons. My sons you need to prepare for battle. We have a big game to win against Maine. They are a huge pain in the ass because they are decent at the D1AA level like Appalachian State use to be when they beat Michigan. But suck at being consistent. Or do they. Well find out at the game. Zac can't complete a fucking Zimmerman telegraph to Mexico, and I am sitting there on sidelines. Coach Germany wants Mexico to invade us. Ignores me. Hey coach, I can throw the ball 80 yards and want to play. No Zac was born in a year that would have made it appropriate to go to the movies and see Breakfast Club when it came out. You sit right there and fucking wear 3 wrist bands with 170 plays you had to memorize for nothing. The drop box in your mind needs to get mental reps, make a sacrifice, learn, pay the $9.00/month to upgrade for more gigabytes, more files. Your iPhone memory didn't come with enough space. Tell your folks to up their phone bill. But coach I don't want to delete the memories of me having fun playing football in high school. To these new memories of you telling me Joe Ganz sucks, and you are going to make me 2nd string because his arm is terrible can exist. Then not playing after Jay Norvell yelling about how I was going to play in pregame warmup. Because Zac sucked too. Saying that to me. I was prepared to play. If my memory serves me correct. Frank Ganz wanted us to prepare. Dwight D. Eisenhower says we need Troops in Normandy now. General Patton looks up, and says. Mr. President we left yesterday. Cause like he was the Peyton Manning on knowing where to get soldiers shot with machine guns. Yes son you just run out of your boat. There is no stingrays. So you don't need to shuffle. I know the machine guns will probably have you tap dancing like a cat on a hot tin roof. But just run up that beach. And if you don't take a bullet right to your dome piece. We gave you a helmet. Just hug the mountain side and slide down the rocks until you see an access point to run and hide in the woods. Half your team won't make it. But if even just 20 people stay alive we will create an HBO special to commemorate your efforts and call it the Band of Brothers. One of you will sit in a tower with a sniper rifle and get blown up by a tank. 10-4 coach. Like the time during the Cali-Florida bowl when the OC wanted me to quarterback sneak. Rey Maleuga was the LB on the other side. I looked at him and said you fucking quarterback sneak. And I called a running play to Antoine Smith. I am a quarter of the back that he is. Dude recruits from Hawaii are strong as fuck. All them look like the cover of the Moana DVD.  I ended up beating Mark Sanchez and Desean Jackson that day because I actually am a Hall of Fame level quarterback. 5 plus major recruiting services, hundreds of media and articles say I am a 5 star ESPN Tom Lemming quarterback, and 2 coaches don't like me and think I am a jerk. So I can't play. I get 1 coach that likes me and I score 40 touchdowns and 4,000 yards passing. You tell me mother fucker. Hey that's my mom. Don't say that.  

The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback