QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you about sick coaches. Trust the Quarterback Coach in Dallas. I need you to listen to the Quarterback Lessons in Dallas. The double ristretto venti half-soy nonfat decaf organic chocolate brownie iced vanilla double-shot gingerbread Frappuccino extra hot with foam whipped cream upside down double blended, one sweet n low and one NutraSweet, and ice is the longest possible Starbucks order. And also a play call under Bill Callahan. These people are sick - a common Qanon phrase. They are mostly talking about satanic politicians drinking adrenachrome. I don't know, I just finished a double bacon cheedar croissant and it was delicious. The coaches. The coaches are sick. They are ill. Urban Meyer can't handle the fact that he is not in the national title. That he is not Nick Saban. That he always has to lose one fucking god damn game a year to IOWA by 30 points and for no reason. He can't comprehend how Jim Tressell tolerated that every year. He is better than Jim Tressell right? Where is Jim Tressell-- Akron President? I don't know. He was a CEO coach like the Condeleeza Rice will be for the Cleveland Browns. Dear god I can't wait for that to happen. Metoo. She will be like Cameron Diaz walking into the locker room in Any Given Sunday. Hey look - Michelle Obama cursed the other day. That is how you know Trump is a leader because he talks out of other peoples mouths all the time. Hey, he is tough, so I can be tough now, and I thought about it all by myself. Man. Beto O'Rourke. Vanilla Bean Obama robbing a liquor store. The irony of the Chelsea Handler personally funding his election. Its all Angela Merkel's fault. We even gave her Glow on Netflix. Claire Underwood. Somewhere Sheryl Sandberg forgot that her job is to do more than to just right cute bereavement policies for Business Insider to rave about. What is happening? OMG so much caffeine. Look -- lets get back to these coaches. There is a contagion going around. I was watching a Football Life with Bill Walsh. He talked about how wanting to quit every time he didn't reach the Super Bowl. It got so bad he refused to address the team at their last team meeting. Ronnie Lott says that he admired Bill and his pursuit of greatness, but that he would pay for it at the end of his life. Technically he just ripped off Paul Brown's offense and called it the West Coast Offense. No wonder Paul didn't hire him in Cincinnati. Disloyal order of buffalo caused a fall out boy with a god complex. Brent Jones or whoever their tight end was wouldn't even talk to him for 4 years after he left the team. He cut players 1 season early. Instead of 1 season late. Its like I always say everyone wants to admire Elon Musk until you get an email during the birth of your child asking you why you aren't working on a Tesla. How am I supposed to change the world with you at the fucking hospital? That is a real email. Look it up. A ruthlessness. A vision that is not just going to work, and smiling and handshaking. Man I made it-- the head coach of Ohio State. Big job for me man. Great stuff! I am a celebrity. Urban Meyer wants to be the greatest living coach in the history of the fucking world. And he is sick to death that he is not. He can't understand it. He doesn't understand why he is not. His wife tries to hug him, and his kids admire him, and folks around him respect him. He is a strong man, he drives a dodge stratus. Pounds his fork on the table. But he hates himself, and he is disgusted. He is neurotic like Ray Liotta. Wears his health on his face. I honestly think all these coaches are having these headaches and heart attacks, not from the game- but from chugging so much coffee and redbull to bring that artificial intensity. Not blink for 3 or 4 hours level of intensity. I bet Nick Saban doesn't even drink coffee. One of my buddies said one time that if they drank coffee he would open the window of his office, jump out and fly off like a bird. Fly like an eagle into the sea. People forget that Saban was with Belichek at the Browns, and that he is a serial job jumper with no remorse too. Just like Urban. Choosing his spots wisely. Scott Frost didn't want to break up with his girlfriend at UCF, had to stay through the ball game. I love these kids man. Saban would just leave. Urban fakes an illness with his eyes on that Notre Dame job. You think Urban is done- lol fuck no. He is making his political exit. He will go home, be there for about a year. Nothing to do. He will travel around the country. Probably go say hi to Kliff Kingsbury. Probably go spend time with Mike Leach. Probably go see Mark Richt at Miami. All in the name of gaining ideas with no pressure on him. No media attention. What he is actually doing is going on recruiting trips like a college kid? Where is my next job? LSU. Who has the best recruits, the best players. Where are the whispers the next great Quarterback is at? Keep in Mind -- he had Josh Harris at Bowling Green, goes to Utah with Alex Smith, leaves for Florida with Chris Leak and Tebow, and then to Ohio State for Braxton Miller. He is tracking recruits, and quarterbacks. Jim Comey said Trump isn't dumb. He is tracking conversations. That is the difference. Most knucklehead coaches like Ruhle down at Baylor. He goes there with no quarterback, and a piece of shit team. He wants to "rebuild." Yeah that is why your record sucks, and you'll be out of coaching soon. Urban wants Brian Kelly to lose to Clemson so we can swoop in on a built team, and has to do nothing but run the ball, and go back to the National Title. Urban's teams average 300 yards rushing/game at Florida. He took the Hal Mumme air raid, the Tony Franklin high school spread offense, and said -- lets run every snap. Dwayne Haskins is a fake, and a fraud. He is a worse Byron Leftwich. Book it! I knew Byron Leftwich would suck because he got his ass kicked at Virginia Tech. Imagine Josh Rosen- probably wants to blow his brains out. Look - the top coaches. The winners. The mount rushmore of coaches. They are tactical and strategical. Every single L they have on their record they might as well have a scarlett letter. You ever have a friend with a scar on his face. He has to wear it proud like he is Norv Turner. That is the L on his record. Urban doesn't give a shit about the wins. Its the L's. He can't even listen to Drake songs because every time drake says someone took the L like Beto in the Texas election. He cringes in pre-game warmups. Turn that fucking garbage off. No one says Loss around me. Hates going on Indeed.com and see a job opening for Loss Prevention at Sams Club. I am not taking a fucking job that has the word Loss in it. I don't know. Someone down in South Beach Mark Richt is boating today with his wife. Love's life. Man how did I get this job Karen? Sips a budlight, shirt off, sun tan, and a fishing pole catching a Florida Mackeral. This is the life man. Everything and everyone thought things were going to be different than 11-2 Georgia. The king of 11-2. That is pretty solid record for a coach to have every year. And hell Brad Johnson even married his sister. That is weird though because Brad Johnson was also his quarterback at FSU- so I am wondering how old Mark Richt is, and if he still tries to coach Brad Johnson at Thanksgiving. Brad, you are not fucking scooping the cream corn right. Get your ass a proper spoon. Brad looks up confused, but goes and gets a spoon, and asks coach if he is still starting this week. No not Mark Richt. He watches film from his pool. He has one of those pools where the bottom is painted black probably. Looks like a lagoon. Has a small bridge over it, and some rocks you can jump off of. Meanwhile Urban is having a full fledged meltdown. He tried IB Profen, four of them and a couple glasses of water. He tried to lay on the carpet in his office and take a power nap. Turn the AC down in the facility. Nothing works. His forehead is hot, he has extreme rosasia. He tries to go get his haircut, take a shower, and shave away his sins. Whenever you see someone with a shaved face who usually has a beard. They are like - man I need a fresh start. I can shave away all of my impurities, all of my sins. Everyone at work is like- hey Greg, wow man you shaved. He is like, yeah man. Why? He knows the real reason, but just mumbles, time for a change man. Keeps on walking back to his office. Opens his computer, and gets immersed into emails. Brian Kelly is at home this past weekend. Probably played golf, and did some bullshit keynote speech for a booster's charity for inner city kids. Talked to them about the Notre Dame Spirit and fighting hard. I bet Brian Kelly fist bumps people because he is germaphobe. I can guarantee it. That he constantly has hand sanitizer in his pocket, and a salad in his coaches fridge. Yet he never loses weight? Maybe not, maybe he was at the CBS Garth Brooks concert where everyone at home was like- fucking Garth Brooks. I thought he dead. Didn't the Illuminati make him hang himself from a door knob? Its 2018, I thought that was the drill. Nope-- him or his clone were raging on the stage for an action packed 2 hour special. Hell yeah! I didn't even know the songs because in the 90's I read goosebump books, and the only thing you had to listen to music was either a radio, or a CD cassette that has the Family Values Tour CD in it. Korn man. No these coaches are sick. I am telling you. Urban hates his life. He went 12-1, and lost his marbles by not getting into the college football player, and a shot at the national title. Dabo Swinney -- how in the world is Dabo Swinney a winning coach. Urban looks in the morning. Dabo looks high as shit every time he does an interview. Dude I bet he has got so much swag. Like a throwback to the Bowden Way. A glad hand like Mack Brown at Chapel Hill now. Why do you think Jim Harbaugh gets fired or has to leave a job? He is too insane. He is too intense. He is too motivated. The world is not motivated like Jim Harbaugh. Its why he can't win a Super Bowl as a QB or as a coach. He is too nuts. It drives people away, it creates divisiveness, and chaos. It scares the janitors. It scares the office clerks. It scares the assistants. The quarterbacks just want to go on a date with their girlfriend, but they can't because he is faxing them a playbook on a Sunday at 3pm. Coach we just played. I want to play video games with my friends. Not everyone is Steve Young or Joe Montana. Steve, what did you do this offseason? Worked out like a pyscho. Some people are from Hawaii like Tua. Only listens to the bible and his dads belt. According to his mom. Jim Harbaugh gets resentful, and takes it out on you. Jim Harbaugh is like a boat wake. The front of the boat is the most beautiful sunset of all time. Behind the boat are schools of segregated fish, mannattess with scars, waves of water crashing into sea walls, someone falling off an intertube. Scared they are now floating in the water with sharks. You are. Looks up from the team meeting. I just checked my phone for a text. Urban is staring me like I am a sea lion on a block of ice three killer whales are torpedoing underneath to get me to slide off. Man I just want to throw coach. Install is so boring. Yeah but Urban just spent 12 hours drawing perfect lines on all the routes for this upcoming game. No we are here to win son. Yeah but its not for everybody. Urban realizes his players are elevator buttons that you keep pressing, and the elevator is not coming, the doors are not opening. God dammit ill take the stairs. Who is coming with me. Looks behind him at the lady with a Starbucks coffee in her hand. She ain't going no where. She is waiting for that fucking elevator. He can't understand why god made elevators. Turned the world into a bunch of pussies. He takes a deep breath. Runs his hands through his hair. Makes sure Erin Andrews saw. She is town for College Gameday in the lobby checking in. Damn she looked bad the other day btw. During the cowboys game. Why is Joe Buck obsessed with Hair plugs? Read his memoir. WTF. Then all the sudden, Urban, he remembers that this place is just a stepping stone to another job, with another team, and another place he can win a championship. My continuous 11-2 seasons have bred low expectations. He panics. He must escape now. We have got to go. He turns into Jon Cusak from 2001. Enjoy your coffee intern. I will never let losing catch up to me. Make me one of you. I am going to take these stairs to top of the building. All the way to heaven like Kanye West in that Big Sean video Blessed. I am a football god. He runs stadium steps to the top of the building. Rips open the door to escape mediocrity. Runs through it. The door accidently shuts and locks behind him. No one way out now. No one comes up here. Its cold. Its lonely. Its almost night time. This fucking headache. These fucking thoughts. Fuck it. I am the only one willing to sacrifice my life for winning. Urban jumps off the building like Bill Murray in Ground Hogs day. He screams aaaahahahahahah!!! closes his eyes. Expecting to hit the concrete. His career over. His life over. Its cold. His body is tingling. His limbs numb. He opens his eyes and realizes he is in a cold tub in the training room at LSU. The vibration of cell phone going off wakes him up. It says Ryan Day has been fired. Urban smiles because he has never been fired. He just cuts his hair, wears a sling, leaves Ashley Judd at her apartment with the cops, asks where a local pizza joint is to some folks playing pickup basketball, and drives out of town with a fake ID. The only living witness. Never get attached to anything you aren't willing to walk out on in 30 seconds if you feel the heat around the corner.