QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you about the teams. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lessons in McKinney in Dallas. I got robbed by a little old lady in a motorized scooter. Oh Lloyd. We got no food. We got no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off. Lloyd, no. Lloyd, don't. What the hell are we doing here anyway? Harry? We got to get out of this town. Yeah, go where? I'll tell you where. Someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Lloyd was a visionary like Steve Jobs. Harry was Wozniak. Harry wanted to help Lloyd. Here is my computer technology I built Steve. My shaggin waggin. Harry had compassion and empathy for Lloyd. Poor guy, they want him to work 40 hours a week. Steve's reality distortion can make you think the sky is green. I am talking about Aspen. I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes. One guy in the 70's ordered a computer from apple. Paid a couple hundred dollars. Steve sent him parts he had to assemble himself. If assembled would have worked. It was up to him to figure it out how. Wow thanks man. Exactly what I paid for. Those core values that every major company makes you sit through at lunch to learn. Even though core values are a tool that the financial and rich elite use to suppress your ambitions. I shouldn't try for a promotion because it would be rude to ask. I have only been here 6 years. Steve Jobs shouldn't take $20M of T Boone Picken's money and buy Italian furniture for his NEXT office. T Boone, bro it's got to look professional in the lobby. Think about Lloyd Christmas and his relationship to people around him. Lloyd was just using everyone. There is no I in team, but there is an I in WIN right. Selfishness, not selflessness changes the world. Lloyd drives Mary to the airport and loves talking to her while cars crash all around him. He sells a dead bird to the blind kid Billy Forsee for peanuts for himself to eat. My hands are getting toasty, you want these extra gloves. You mean you had an extra pair of gloves you had the whole time. Pours exlax in Harry's coffee so he has to take a dump during his big date with Mary. He offers up Harry to get shot by Andreas. Oh okay, shooooot him! Puts his fingers in his ears. He chases down a bus of beach babes who offer them jobs as sunscreen applicators. He tells them they are going the wrong direction. But it was so funny that you never noticed. And that is relationships in the world. Because at least Mary got her husband back in the end. Just like Lloyd planned it. Apple got massively huge. Largest company in the world. With Steve Jobs on his death bed, high on acid, and right before he dies he says, "holy shit this is happening" at 53. Just like he planned it. Jobs use to say that death was the worlds greatest invention because it never failed even one time. A couple of big gulps eh, welp see ya later innovation. We are just going to release 10 IOS updates a month for the rest of our company. They need an evil genius again. Man Lloyd is hilariously fucking evil. I would give him the red belt off my buffalo jeans buckle. Even if at least seven actors in the last year would hang themselves with it from a door knob the same exact way - Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain. By Chance Mock at Texas man. An Elite 11 quarterback who was trying to play, and was doing a nice job, but then Vince Young, another Elite 11 came to town, and Mack Brown went all I love delivering Christmas presents to underpriveleged orphans on him, and let Vince Young take over, eventually resulting in him winning a national title but at the same time sitting in a bar in Austin last year on a Sunday taking lemon drop shots watching Mariota literally run the same offense he tried to beg Jeff Fisher to run, but Jeff Fisher wanted to kill more quarterbacks than any coach in history. Resulting in Mack going forever from the I-Formation to the spread, a Colt McMcoy fake shoulder injury in the national title, and his eventual exit as Texas's coach. He couldn't even hit his dad in the locker room with a pass man. I swear I saw it. Mack Brown took a chance, and lost. What is the coaches excuse every time for not playing a quarterback? The kid is immature. Is he immature or is he bored? Quarterbacks are gifted a fireball of energy like Lu Kang in Mortal Kombat. When they have to sit still. There is a fire in their bell that is just radiating electricity through their veins all fucking day. Its not a stomach gurgle and we just take a dump every hour until its all gone. Man that Pizza Hut babe. There's a fucking wolf howling at the moon in their brain. A 24-7 Vegas Bender of a soul. You know how you haven't fucked in a week, and you start getting irritated. Hey uh Chris, um I got your report. It looks like you took a dump in the fucking printer. Fix it you fucking piece of shit. Nice fucking tie. You have to keep the geese below the belt. You jerk off. Imagine not being able to throw passes. Imagine a horse in a stable standing there staring at his hoof being made into a candle. Fucking Tom O'Brien would have turned Seabisquit into glue. Imagine JC Chasez hosting American Dance Crews while Justin Timberlake gets a lifetime achievement award at the VMA's. Justin invited N'Sync to that award, and they did one song together, and JC acted like it was the fucking Super Bowl Halftime Show. Joey Fatone danced like he hosted the TV Guide channel. Hey umm Joey I know you use to always be on the front of tiger beat magazine with Derek Carr, but Jon Gruden just got you a job hosting the rolling video about the TV guide section. Coach I threw 30 touchdowns last year, and went to the Pro Bowl. Yeah but you can't call plays that are two sentences long. You keep getting locked out of that Muslim guys iPhone the FBI wants to open, but apple won't help them. They don't want folks to find out the Obama administration was using America's freedom of religion against itself to establish a fourth Reich of Islam using Valerie Jett. They canceled Roseanne because of it. Maybe a password is a great teammate because it protects your privacy. Until you call Apple up and they pull up your account. Let me take a look. Wait I thought only I had access. WTF. No so does Cambridge Analytica, and Peter Theil's Stanford Analytica. They do too. Sitting on your couch every night tweeting, and using Instagram, and texting. Your wife and kids right next to you. I hate my fucking iPhone. Might get a flip phone. I want to go back to reading the St. Pete Times newspaper section on Saturday morning. I won again. I can't wait to get to Nebraska. Am I going to bring my high school team with me? Fuck no- because they all fucking suck except for me. Because teams are not real. Its just individuals. Teammates are your body, mind and soul. Threes company. Getting to know each other and work in coordination. When your boss asks for a P & L explanation for supply costs. Your mind takes over. I got this dog. Opens the calculator and does the math. When you need to throw a game winning touchdown pass. Your body takes over. I got this dog. Like Tony Romo said in his first start. I threw a touchdown pass, and as I am throwing, I am like I didn't even know my body could do this. Touchdown! But then. When you lock your wallet in the newspaper machine, and you need help. Your soul takes over. You to say to the little old lady in the motorized scooter, "old people, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can and do still serve a purpose." You smile at her. You come back and she fucking robbed you. Your mind and body are like wtf soul. Get your shit together. Do your part. You just fucking made us lose today. The defense is the body. The quarterback is the mind. The kicker is the soul. Fucking kicker missed the god damn kick again. God I fucking hate that kid. All he does is drink boxed wine and fuck the gymnasts, and call his mom to ask for more money. Crashed his car last week. 4% of all major CEO's are considered pyschopaths. Why? Because there is no fucking way they are going to let the soul get there fucking wallet, and beer stolen by an old lady. They are going to invade IRAN, N. Korea, Russia-- the last places left that don't have a federal reserve bank. Get a fucking clue. Think about why animals-- although they are extremely super human in strength, and powerful, and dangerous. Large teeth and claws. Can't lead shit. Let a stupid human put them in cages. A big dumbass killer whale with the entire depth of an ocean can get caught and put into a swimming pool. Their mind let them down. Lets them do everything but fucking talk. If they could talk. We would all be fucked. Everyone would be fucked up. Fucking the president would be the fucking lion from Narnia. We wouldn't be able to hack down rainforests because the animals would hold a governance huddle on how to combat migration, stop our trees from getting turned into notebook paper the illuminati uses in public schools to learn how to write the alphabet, and to turn our kids into factory workers, and build a fucking spear wall around the forest like Trumps tweet. I am all for the wall but that was some funny shit. That shit looked like the movie Gladiator with Russell Crow. Like Jonquin Pheonix was our fucking President. Thumbs up you live. Thumb down you die. Crowd roars. Fuck yeah, make the immigrants fight each other at the Pankration. But online. People on twitter aren't your teammates. They are fighters fighting in battle. Cyber warfare. They are military soldiers. Instead of having to enlist 18 year old's again at the local mall in the office near Spencer's gift in the hallway no one goes down, they just get you to sign up for Twitter from your apartment and fight with your fingers. Storm the beaches. Every major company and their employees start hash tagging #trumpresign. Waitresses across the country start hash tagging #resistance. Kyler Murray won the Heisman because of twitter trends btw. Sports Journalists flirting with each other vicariously through twitter. Jobs, not mobs. Who thought of jobs? One day was like-- I think everyone should have to work. Too many people around here just making matzo bread and writing. What did people think about in biblical times? Just writing pamphlets and books. No one was like, man these sandals are refreshing for like fishing at the beach. But I need something enclosed for hiking up this mountain to the burning bush. I need like a sneaker or something. Never mind I am just going to write this book for people a couple thousand years from now to use as an SOP for how to manage the bottom 10% of their nations employees. Hey its Jack Welch. Not the grape drink. This bible will survive all rain, and natural and man made disasters so it can be printed one day when they get a printer invented somewhere in Europe. We can make perfect leather bound books, but not shoes. What if folded this book around my foot, tie it tightly closed with some hemp. And walk. Its awkward but at least I don't have spring break shot glass in my foot. Actually Phil Knight put rubber in a waffle maker. Now you have Nike's. I don't know. One apostle at a time. Lloyd Christmas was the world's first Uber driver. Uber is part of this growing gig economy. The share or the YOU economy. Where you live in a meritocracy based economic system that you can earn as much or as less as you want on your time and your resources. Uber is going to IPO soon. Probably will end up the single greatest technological innovation in the history of the world. Warren Buffet says that Google is because every time you click something online a cash register goes off. But with Uber they can trick everyone in the world into thinking work is fun. Its just an App. A great teammate at your finger tips. Wants to help you earn more. A $1000 dollar minus $300 dollars in gas a month. I bet Paul Ryan created Uber. A cyber factory. Install of building Model T fords, you drive people to the airport all fucking day. Middle America is back baby. And they think its great. I want to work 15 hours today. The more you work. The more you earn. They even said the next Elon Musk will come from an engineer in Uber's team. Elon Musk. Just him. No one else. Certainly not his team. These major tech companies they acquire-hire teams. You know what happens. This means they buy your company and all its employees. One, they want all knowledge of the technology on an NDA. Two, everyone leaves in six months after their rest and vest. Because fuck the team, I got my money. Ask Leveon Bell. The Founder. Leaves last. Sold his soul. His mine craft for cash. He has to air a grievance in Tech Insider magazine about how Satya Nadella is mean first. A bad teammate. And why no one in Ybizza cant party with him on a Tuesday. All my friends are busy driving. All alone. Anyways, when I was in college and I wanted money for the club. I would walk down the driveway of one of the houses my mom bought me. And I would knock on people's doors and ask them for chores for money. I would blow the gutters out on the roof for cash. I would pull their weeds for money. By the end up the day I would have $100. Keep it 100 tonight. Cause I have $100. One lady asked me to go to Home Depot and rent a tiller, and till her yard, and she would pay me. I didn't do that shit because it was too much effort. I am not going to fucking Home Depot. Unless its for an award for most Student Kills. Brian Kelly beats DJ Durkin out for. Like when you see a broke down car on the highway. Hes got Triple A. I didn't want to till her garden. I just showered. I don't want to sweat anymore today. I canceled her Uber ride request. My neighbor Hillary never expected that shit. Says to her husband. We are going to track the next mother fucker who tries to till our yard. Make sure there ass is working. Fuck I know we re-branded surveillance as social media, but I didn't think it was going to collect all my emails, and give them to Trump. And that is why Trump doesn't give a fuck. They said Trump keeps a little black book of anything he has heard about someone, and when you are in negotiations with him. He will be like, so are we going to do this deal or is your mistress? All your negotiation power deflated like a hole in her fake tits. Fuck it if CBS makes me resign. Ill just go drive fucking Uber and make more than I make here anyways. Baker Mayfield drove Uber after practices at Oklahoma. If I was a college student again I would graduate with 50K in the bank just driving Uber and Lyft like school teachers do in the summer time. Its a trick though. Because time is money. But time is also your most valuable possession. God gave you so many gifts in life. So many talents. You have an entire briefcase full of IOU's at your disposal. But instead you choose to drive around all day, day dreaming about throwing a bowl of nuts in your face and setting your farts on fire. For a laugh. Ill do anything for a laugh man. Anything. HAHAHAHAHA! They say blow is a terrible drug to do and go workout at the student rec in college, but wait until you get strung out on laughs. I need another laugh man. I need a fucking laugh man right fucking now. I bet Will Ferrell is on the set of his shitty Sherlock Holmes remake wishing so bad he didn't get addicted to laughs. Chris Farley didn't die from drugs, he died from laughs. Will Ferrell wishes he could be on the set of Vice with Adam McCkay his old laugh dealer. Texts Adam,-- hey man you got some laughs? Sees a read response. Adam texts back-- this isn't fucking college anymore Will. Tyler Hansborough graduated and went to the NBA and got destroyed. You should too. Breaking News on E! network tonight. Heath Ledger couldn't handle playing the joker so he took a bunch of Tylenol PM's. He was living the dream man. Lloyd and Harry made it all the way across the country with no jobs, no money, and their pets heads falling off. Having the time of their lives. It was in the 90's so no one knew yet whether a serial killer, or the Clintons killed 1 person or 50 or 100. My dad was in Vietnam. Life was firm, but fair back then. Like when I used to work for this construction company and they called their branch a "firm." I thought firms were for lawyers. Does fucking Tom Cruise work here? You are not a firm unless around Christmas time your CEO throws Eyes Wide Shut illuminati sex parties you need to get an invite from a local tavern dueling piano player to get to. Whatever happened to that piano player. You can't handle the truth. Fuck Jack, calm down. Let conservatives tweet. The piano player was just trying to hook his teammate up with some strange. Check out this awesome party Tom. Here is the address on a bar napkin. They wear masks, no one will know its your dick. Okay cool, I will be there. Teammates man. Together through thick and thin, until a cab driver complains about waiting for you outside of a Rothlischild mansion and gets you both thrown out. And one of you dies. Wealthy people don't take cabs. They take Uber blacks. I am so fucking tired of Uber in this blog. But one more ride. I just got a request from Sheryl to the airport. One more fucking ride. This bitch blabs on and on for an hour. Headed to China for business. I bet the Chinese love reporting to a middle aged mom from a Dallas suburb. Its their fucking dream. Guys Sheryls is on her period again. Ching Chong Chay Ching Chong. The conference call sounds like someone dropped the silver ware tray from the fucking dish washer. You never fucking put this silver ware in the dish washer properly. Upside down, fucking inside out. Nothing ever gets fucking cleaned. Did anyone ever teach you how to do the fucking dishes? I just feel like if I am going to pay for a dish washer to be installed in my house. It should at least be able to clean my white Chapel Hill Tarhell basketball hat everyone bought when they were 15 years old from Lids in the Mall for $22. I gotta have this fucking hat bro. Do baseball plays like playing baseball or do they just love wearing hats? You tell me. Never met one that wasn't a fucking loser cross neckles wearing dip and a fucking mountain dew bottle after a burger for lunch looking nickleback listening mother fucker with shaved legs. But I don't think that god really ever wanted us to be on teams. He wanted us more like puzzles you have to put together on a coffee table. Adam and Eve for example. Adam didn't know he was going to marry a stripper named Eve. Did he? Wake up in the middle of the night and she was rummaging through his fridge. Don't touch that hibachi. Its still good for a whole another dinner. I can pay $35 dollars for steak, chicken, shrimp, double rice, two soups, no salads. The Emporers delight. Eat half of it. Bring the other half home. And then have a whole another dinner to eat that would fill me perfectly tomorrow. Here is a fucking apple you human scavenger hunt. You get an apple instead. She takes a bite of your hibachi. Apples are for teachers. Fuck, you just ruined humanity forever. Eating my hibachi. You broke my one god damn rule. That is in a way how the world started. And then you expect society to work well in teams. When the first relationship on earth the teammates crossed each other, and ruined the world forever. They didn't lose the Fiesta Bowl. Or Jim Harbaugh couldn't beat Ohio State again even though we pay him $7M a year to do so. Or Patrick Mahomes sure does throw a lot of volume based touchdowns in a lot of volume based scoring losses. Great throwing motion Patrick. Real solid throw. This floor looks great. You are doing a hell of a job at stripping and waxing these movie theatre floors. Beautiful floors. Great depth on your wax. You have got all the tools. Just missing one piece to the puzzle. Besides a haircut. We need you to grow up. Okay. We need to lead other people on the staff. You can't just hog the side by side machine, and all the stripper and wax, and do these floors by yourself with your headphones in. Okay. Big promotion here. Hourly to Salary employee. We need to take the next step. You're a game manager now. Get a nice collar shirt. A badge with your name on it. Learn how to fucking manage payroll. Maybe write some people up. And manage the fucking team. Because if you don't Patrick. That stripper will eat your fucking Hibachi from the employee fridge. Trust no bitch. Coach, stripper is a chemical. God dammit, Patrick. Wake up. You're the meat in an NFL sandwich called communism where money is the dictator. Trumps not even president. The banks are. You better win a fucking playoff game. No I am not. I voted, we live in a democracy where people work together for the American Dream. And I mine is to make $60K for the rest of my life and not get Christmas Eve off. But I might get to go home early. You get to waddle to your car, and go to Jimmy Johns on your lunch break, and orders three roast beef sandwiches with provolone cheese. Would you like cheese with those sir? Yes. Begrudgingly. I know they are going to charge me more he thinks. Alright then that will be $10.43. Wait because of the fucking cheese its $2 dollars more. Its usually $8.43. Yes sir. Because you weren't smart enough to trick me and just order the Roast Beef slims, and wait until they were almost done making them and then ask for cheese. So that way they didn't have time to go back to the cash register and instead they just put cheese on your sandwich for free. Touche my lord. You have a point. Why didn't you tell me that when I was paying? We are not on the same team. Stares at Patrick. Son, if your dream is to be Colin Kapernick. Go hitch hike to Aspen with Harry and Lloyd in their Uber, and sing Mock Yeah Ing Yeah Bird Yeah. You fucking Jason Kidd looking motherfucker. Mary Christmas!