Quarterback LessonS

The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback 

​QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you about perfection. Trust the Quarterback Coaching in Mckinney. I need you to listen to the Quarterback Lesson in Mckinney. Profitability is the enemy of perfection. It is why people aren't smart enough to drive for Uber. Its not a perfect job that you clock into at 8am and leave at 5pm. Instead you just work whenever the fuck you want. And make $1000 bucks week. Yeah but no benefits. Who the fuck has insurance in 2019? No one. It takes $1600 month out of your paycheck. No one fucking has insurance. Yeah but I would rather have a hyper caffeinated boss who drives an orange mustang with Superman Cuff links on, to help me make sure my power point pictures are formatted correctly, as well as email me at 8pm at night with a question I obviously cannot answer until tomorrow when people are working again, and now I am just going to lay in bed thinking about his question and what it means for my future if I get it wrong, honey stop fucking clicking 1 button buy on Amazon every time you have a glass of wine, I might have to start driving for Lyft again tomorrow, but he did write Best Regards, at the end, so maybe he does have respect for me and my time, without actually acting like it. You are a great soldier my son. You have earned the medal of freedom for your victories on the email battlefield. You have made your entire staff feel insecure every single day this year. Job well done. For humans being so smart, all you have to do is email them to control them. Dolphins are swimming around an ocean right now free as fuck. Un-phased by technological advances. Yeah dog I get to be in 3 dolphin movies a year. They don't have their insides being cooked by wireless bluetooth charging stations, but loving those new apple watches. Have you seen those videos of your pet Lassie standing still on youtube? 5G has no affect on your brain as texts from your mom pass through body. Eat less Gluten. Thanks mom that text went directly to my liver so if I tell him that would be 2x he heard the same thing. Humans used to just be animals looking for an opportunity to grow their career. I can do more than crawl guys. I can stand up straight, and eventually use tools and talk a lot about transhumanism with Kara Wishers Rachel Maddow Haircut. I am going to make Sean Hannitys hair stylist fear me.  America has been around for 300 or so years. And we already have New York City skyscrapers and the internet. This guy who was 112 years old died the other day. That means being born in around 1909 he saw the Titanic, all the major wars, transition from horses to cars, all cultural revolutions, and the internet being created by a guy who gets no equity or credit for his invention like Nikola Tesla and free electricity. Fuck Nikola, dude fuckin dated a pigeon, no way he is going to be in the school books in Texas that Hillary got voted out of and then into again. Hey we didn't get Beto, but we got a chapter in history. Thanks Chelsea Handler for trying to rig our elections in El Paso using your twitter account and pay pal. Too bad you're not russia or we would investigate your home and find nothing because it got burned down. This guy, he saw basically anything that matters in history- saw it all happen in person. Angelina Jolie wearing Bad Santa Billy Bob Thortons blood vial as a neckles, but also not ruling out a run for President. The pangea of moms, a kid from every continent, and even Atlantis. One minute Robin Hood is white, the next minute he is Jamie Foxx. That is fucking crazy. Times are changing. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees.  Unless you're like a beaver who built a damn, that got blown up so a white water rafting company could give rides to adventure seekers. The beavers were like. Guys we have to fucking evolve or face extinction. I know the illuminati purposely built major metropolitan areas where they could control mass crowds of people and constantly monitor everything they do and call it freedom, but its really just them putting all essentials in one secure location, like a dog bowl, a Walmart I have to go to one time a week to be seen on camera and financially tracked and forced to buy things and houses and to seperate from our money 12x a day or fidelity will shut your card off due to too many transactions in one day, its your money but really ours, but now people like Chris Sacca and Kayne are trying to make Wyoming and Montana great places to live near Ted Turner. Who doesn't own a TV and watch his own product like Steve Jobs didn't let his kids use Iphones, because its bad for you. But sign up for cable and watch it please. Jon Voight is going to blow up our barrier on the Amazon loaded with posionous snakes in order to get to the nest of an anaconda he wants to capture for a million dollars. That is what you did the 90's when you couldn't make money on Ebay re-selling Yeezys to sneakerheads. You became a snake trapper. When you don't use your phone all day. Anyways, the book animorphs was written. That is why your co-worker looks like a weasel. A little ferret. Little guy. You can just tell he has rat DNA. Eats a handful of nuts for a snack at work. You want some nuts Harrison. No, I eat one fucking time a day. Once. A big dumabass cheeseburgers with buffalo chicken tenders on top from Buffalo Wild Wings. And half the bottle of ketchup. One time. I don't eat fucking handfuls of nuts, or salads. Like little fucking rabbits, and rodents. Want some nuts? Your salty sticking trail mix fingers sending out emails with misspelled words 11pm at night. Business Insider will even write an article about how you email people back a question mark (?) and taunt them, and call it visionary leadership at Space X.  Elon Musk can't get a spaceship not to blow up in a tweet, but he sure can make his engineer miss the birth of his child for a conference call about the potential dangers of AI. Some fucking loser at Tech Crunch is like a lot of people are still hungry in the world, but Elon is landing rockets on deadliest catch boats for the Discovery Channel to convince people we landed on the moon.  So far from what I can tell about AI is that Jonquin Pheonix falls in love with Scarlett Johannson but then realizes he can't fuck his Alexa, so Facebook invents a portal with a screen so Alexa can create deepfake pornos of Scarlett Johanson she can't sue off the internet. And he jerks off to that. That is the closest you are going to get to an intimate relationship with AI. Until the empire beneath the ice that guy hiked over with his IPhone that happens to have service by ATT there, which I sometimes can't get in certain parts of Dallas, releases new technology they are already thirty years ahead and slowly releasing 1 invention at a time so people don't freak out when they realize that Tall Whites exist in Tom Delounge's imagination because the whole time he was on tour with Blink 182 he ready alien books in the back of the van. Mark was like you want to drink and party, and Tom was like, no man there is more to life in the Universe. I want to quit Blink 182, and become a full time conspiracy theorist and have my emails to John Podesta released so Joe Rogan can invite me on his show to mock me, and yet speculate why the fuck was Tom Delongue from Blink 182 emailing John Podesta for. We're close man. Soon the world will just be Alexa constantly trying to play you 90's rock stations everywhere. The whole world is going to become a cleaner place. Pearl Jam will just start playing, and next thing you know you are mopping your kitchen floors. Man he was a firm, but fair boss. Really mean in his emails, but made the IPhone. While at the same time firing Travis Kalanick from Uber for getting into 400 countries, while Lyft is in like 20 states. That is Linked In in a nutshell. Keep your head up, the skies the limit. Put your head down, and get to work. I need to go on FMLA my fucking neck hurts from reading that medical device salesman article about culture he posted. You're hypnotized. Like the beating in a Tall Tale Heart while you are cutting up chicken. God dammit how did I grow up to feed a mean old man on his death bed? I used to play little league soccer with my friends. Here is what is actually happening to you. The founder is way smarter than you, some people own dogs, he owns human minds as pets, but in a legal way you signed up for in your new hire packet you just randomly gave signatures to get the job, and he tricked you into wearing a blindfold outside using scooby doo tactics, it was the professor and a bed sheet the whole fucking time, and you are not Bill Paxton in Twister and are scared of the wind, because if you took that blindfold off and actually saw that no one gives a fuck about a Tesla charging station, then all the people hiding inside who are for the Paris Climate Agreement, would elect a President to cancel it, and use this as an opportunity as a reset to reclaim land and possessions,  taken from us by foreign bankers, and Sandra Bullock would go outside, with her blind fold off, and with everyone dead, make a mall with a chicken fil a in it her  house, and make herself fucking president, every day robbing a different local credit union, only to realize they don't actually keep gold at the Federal Reserve and all money is a decimal point on a computer screen now, and all extremely wealthy families in the 17 & 18000s who were here first, literally monopolized every major source of human requirements and have trillions of dollars in gold hidden on their property in bunkers, that Forbes magazine leaves off their list for Beyonces $355M dollars, to distract the American public, that actually seems relatively poor considering her & Jay Z marriage being rammed down my throat at every single Hillary Clinton rally. We are the Obamas, except we sing and dance. Instead of get funded by Saudi Arabia to attend Harvard, and a Tom Cruise scientology marriage agreement to a female version of the name Micheal. Donny and Marie, a future Vegas residency for Sonny and Cher, but more diverse. Fuck Sandra, keep your blind fold on or you won't be able to enjoy the golden globes anymore. From the TV section in the closes Sears outlet at your outdated mall. And all they had to do was turn that catalog digital. The golden globes. When you use to watch them perfectly fine with your folks as a kid. Vegas is where all celebrities found out that DJ's like Chainsmokers were making $50K a night to host pool parties, and decided to go instead of trying to land the Super Bowl halftime show. Instead of hosting the Oscars. Because Meryl Streep acts way too hard in her movies. Literally Steve Martin is trying to feed you a fucking chocolate croissant. Just fucking eat it. End scene. All actors have hair because they are andodrogenous and emotional.  Did you know that guys who lose their hair that it means that they have more testosterone? That is why they are so aggressive during pick up basketball games at the gym, and constantly send you over sexualized tweets about the bar last night. Yeah so I walked in Gators and I could smell the pussy in the air. Bro I fucking love every sport. Even soccer. Yeah its like watching the caravan jog all the way to the border but having to kick a ball in between the legs of patrol officers. When you get all the way to Trumps chain link fence he wants $5B to decorate with Christmas lights. If you kick the ball over the fence. Its a goal. And you get to enter the country and live here. Why do you think Brian Urlacher use to not have hair? He wanted to tackle people so bad, that it all fell out. But then he read Joe Buck's book about his hair plug compulsion that no one got wierded out by? and he got himself a decent looking mop. Ill take the Brian Littrell from backstreet boys meets Merrill Hodge look. Notification that Mike Mayock is going to be the GM of the raiders. Fuck it. Trump is President. Condeleeza Rice gave us Notre Dame in the CFP. Fuck it bro. Slobbering always has a constant jolly rancher in his mouth flirting with Greg Olsen at the combine last year mother fucker. How big is Merril Hodges bathus going to be on ESPN live at noon on a Tuesday no one has time to tune into unless you drive for uber,  going to be.  Nobody wants to transition to NFL ESPN analyst more than Greg Olsen. No one. Not any of his failed Elite 11 QB brothers. Not Tiki Barber. His brother Rondae once gave me the Outback Steakhouse Player of the Year award in Tampa. Big ass eyebrows. Everyone is talking about Nate Burleson being on the set of CBS halftime show. When Strahan is the one making $20M a year hosting Good Morning America. He is like 1 job away from  Nick Cannon divorcing Mariah Carey to become the next Steve Harvey, and her future husband. Damn I married Mariah from the Butterfly music video on VH1 Pop Up Video. The only guy on comedy def jam who refused to curse. But not me. I am just standing there reading my phone from the lakeside. Living vicariously through google, instagram and twitter posts. Wondering if twitter is actually a gay dating service for closeted sports announcers. See you been listening to my voicemails, I mean podcast Peter. Old people still reading CNN for their news. Its not fucking news unless its a meme that is trending on Twitter. Grow up. You are at an Easter Egg Hunt, and look up from your phone at the chocolate chip cookies someone bought from the store, and brought to put on the picnic table. All you need is to add an R and you can have a totally different purpose in life. Why didn't you just make them yourself, you think. I am not going to eat those. Fucking terrible. Who brought these fucking cookies from the fucking store and thought that they met the fucking requirements for bringing an appetizer. That is life right there bro. That plastic fucking container of store cookies. You must be a dreamer Harrison, sorry but I am a realist. Yeah, but how are you ever going to do unreal things. I am a fucking realist. Living in the real world. Not the MTV New Orleans one where that guy stole a vicodin and lied and said he didn't, but then 10 years later died from pills. So he actually did. Yeah man the holidays were great. I know I am a realist but for 14 days out of the year I pretend Santa Clause, Reindeer who can fly, Elves who work in shops in the North Pole are real. No how about you're such a fucking realist we cancel fucking Christmas for you. I get presents, and you get to go back to work. You don't get to leave work early today. Jeff Bezos says that hardest part about being an entrepreneur is the extreme paranoia and having no friends. They are all busy working their real fucking jobs to think about champagne facials with Krillia in Ybiza. I get paid to spray girls tits with Champagne. Realist. I knew this guy who was a manager. He had red hair. Gods way of telling the world you sun burn easily, therefore you shouldn't be around people who are stars. Like me. I have 0 friends with red fucking hair. And all of them love the color orange. Dead serious. Only people on the planet with an Orange Mustang, who like Orange Soda, Oranges. No one just eats oranges. You can't go on fucking Uber eats, and there is a restaurant where you can get fruit delivered. Or even just vegetables delivered. This fucking lady told me that rich people eat fruits and vegetables, more so than meat. No they fucking don't. Diets aren't fucking real. The Indians didn't see Christopher Columbus ship land at Plymoth Rock. They looked at each other. And were like who the fuck are these mother fuckers parking in our handicap space. We should go say hi. One of them is like-- okay offer them an orange. They might have scurvy. After sailing 10,000 miles to America searching the world for more oranges. No they walked out of the woods with a big ass pig they had been cooking. The air smelled like Christmas Honey Glazed ham. Christopher was like -- who the fuck are these people, that shits smells great. Walked up, and made sure to negotiate properly. Not for his people's lives. Not for anything off than an opportunity to get a slice of that fucking fat ass ham. Big booty ass bitch in the club.  The other day I was sitting on the couch watching the Eagles game, and my father-in-laws friend had a napkin is his hand. With some fried chicken cut up on it. In bite sizes pieces. He said you want some chicken. And leaned in to give me some. I took one and ate it. A few more because he kept swinging back and forth. But at the same time I was like what the fuck. I don't want your leftover fucking golden chick chicken. Then he gave me a cut-in-half bisquit he heated up in the microwave. Put it on my lap. No, no, god dammit. I don't fucking want this either. Then I ate it. Why would he do that? Offer me that. I wish I never met this guy. Fucking terrible. He would do that to me, and put me into that position. That I basically had to take all of Americas land, except for some random territories, where they get to live, and every single member of their tribe gets to be paid $90K for life once they hit 18 years old, and can't be taxed like Donald Trumps deal in the 1980's. No power points for them.  Please baby, just I want you to be picture perfect so You tube doesn't keep declining my channel art header for being the wrong size. They don't have to do anything, just put some clothes on and chill in a permanent Sunday morning. That one t-shirt that you have with permanent arm pit stains in it. You can wash it as many times as you want. It still smells. You don't even care. You wear it around the house to vacuum. To workout. To mow the lawn. Your wife hates it. But you just love that grey Hurley shirt. Its got this great fabric. And you are just going Mcconaughey. Every movie he is in he knows how to pick the correct scores of an NFL game.  It is why I piss with the door open so folks can hear how powerful my stream is. You fucking hear that water, thats not a babbling brook baby. Its the fucking jet setting on a hose.  Its why I carry all the shopping bags in at one time. Its why my sister challenges me to a 5K race on Thanksgiving, and I tell her. I am going to fucking murder you. Dead. You have no fucking chance to beat me. And she actually believes me. The race starts and I take off into the crowd and get lost. By a bunch of folks. Just make her keep looking forward or backward trying to find me. Where is Harrison?  But then guess what even though she runs all 3 miles in 18 minutes. She beats me. I ran them in 30 minutes. Easily. Not even tired. I don't even run. I bike. Biking is better for your knees. But the moral of the story is that. I am a fucking champion no matter what in this situation. Because everyone was like damn Harrison just has this heart and soul that makes him just be able to things others cant. in life. Cause its not really about winning or losing. And competition is not real. None of it. Life is about being able to write great tweets. Staring off the top of a mountain peak staring at the flat earth. The clouds all around you. The sun rising up from the ocean to the clouds. The earth isn't fucking flat, I told you. I fucking told you. Its not. That guy fucking hiked across Antartica. Proof. He did it. Okay, its not flat. It is flat. None of it matters. Two dogs barking at a fence because those kids from Sandlot keep throwing their fucking baseball into my god damn yard. I am scared I don't want to go get the baseball man. That dog. Lives there. His tweet is scary. Bark, I mean. Great idea Peter Burns. Your deep apopalctic fantasies about Alabama. While you are training to beat them, they are training for perfection. Perfection at what. Kirk Cousins is like I need this fucking route Thielan. This fucking cut. This fucking angle. I am going to spend this whole fucking game coaching the wide receivers on the sidelines screaming. So that way my blood pressure rises, and when I have to go out onto the field I can't read the defense, or see anything, or throw anything, because my brain is in fight or flight adrenaline mode. The fucking Clintons are going to ice pick the vein in my neck like an adrenachrome kegstand bar tap if my bleeding heart keeps fucking throbbing like dance floor club cock. Bro go jerk off at halftime so you can calm down and watch Birdbox on Netflix with me babe without trying to stick your finger up my ass every 5 minutes. I mean, date me. For once in your fucking life. Here is a tylenol PM Kirk. Lets get your resting heart rate down. So your mako shark eye covers when you are about to bite into a seal roll back down. And you can see the Japanese Fishing boat about to cut your fucking fins off for some soup. $84 million dollars on perfection. Guz Malhazan drawing plays on a white card with absolute perfect fucking lines. Perfect lines for every route, or I throw them out and text my wife. Sorry I am going to miss dinner again with the family. Yeah I am drawing plays on a card with a marker. Love you babe. She puts the phone down, and thinks to herself. My husband. His kid heart. I love him so much. He just cares so much. He draws plays on a white card with a permanent marker because he wants to win so bad. Every play has to be perfect. Tom Rinaldi texts Holly Rowe. Holly, are you done roaming the hallways at the Sheraton to live stream an interview with Dabo Sweeny. I want to do a special on Guz Malhzans practice script for Purdue. Dabo, Dabo -- (fuck its Holly)-- hangs up the phone with his kids. I love you babe, have a great night, yeah I gotta go. Holly wants to fucking periscope an interview with me near a hotel Starbucks. She obviously can't tell that I am tried, since my eyes are permanently stuck half open. Actually I ate 4 gummies before getting on the team bus, and I am HIGH AS FUCK right now. Really helps in recruiting when I head down to Miami to meet with kids who parents blow blunt smoke in the face of their babies to make them stop crying. You know how during the Oregon Trail Val Kilmer from Tombstone, his mom use to rub Jack Daniels into his gums to keep him from crying. Ill be your huckleberry. He turned out okay. Quickest draw in the west. See god gives you 95% of your ability, and you spend the rest of your life searching the world for perfection. The other 5%. God gave Doc Holliday the Clemson quarterbacks throwing motion, but also a rag to consistently cough blood into. Tell em the law's coming. Like a fever from Tuberculosis. The greatest quarterback prospect I have ever seen says Mike Ferrell's meatball sub sandwhich now delivered by Uber Eats. It used to be Josh Rosen after the Cardinals game saying he missed being in college because he got little breaks to go to class, and hang out with friends, and that in the NFL is just football all day long. He is so smart that he says all the wrong things. Steve Wilks lost his job Monday because he let the entire franchise be held hostage by that quote. But I will tell you what man-- Josh Rosen has a really engaging and funny instagram account. His grandfather who created Wharton told him to support climate change on his cleats. And our social media person at the Cardinals is the fucking best at making the cry face emoji in his comments section. You know, the team supports him not watching film but decorating the film room in Christmas lights and then getting blown out by the falcons. Nobody is drunker than Steve Keim, not Doc Holliday's bloody hankerchief, maybe Tom Heckert. Who John Elway was too busy asking why the fuck his Autonations are not selling anymore Ford Sedans? To help try to stay sober. Sir, Ford stopped making Sedans and are only making trucks now. Who is the last person to buy one? Chad Kelly sir. But he hasn't made a car payment in 2 months. We tried to track his location using Twitter, and it didn't say the Jacksonville Jaguars. Because they would rather lose with Cody Kessler than win with any quarterback who has a HOF uncle that most likely gave Chad the same bloodline, but was good in the 90's and also had a drinking problem. Marino, Favre, Elway, Kelly, Boomer, all of them. Practice and beers. Every game. Win or Lose Stevie Must Booze. Washed it down with one beer, two beers, three beers, a shot of whisky, a margarita, and a bloody mary. You want some ketchup with that ass whooping? I will tell you what I have no fucking clue what I just read.