QB Lessons in McKinney in Dallas will teach you about toys. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lesson in McKinney in Dallas. It is time for another random act of helpfulness. I use to go to Toys R Us to get my toys. Then they shut it down. It turns out that drunk shopping is up over 400 percent with suburban housewives liquored up on cervan blanc searching the Amazon app sex and wellness shop for magic wands. See they just have to one click press a button. Press for 1 click buy. They don't have to pull a wad of cash out at the cash station for a pack of cigarettes and some lottery tickets. Um sir we don't accept debit for lottery tickets. Cash only. That is why Walmart will win vs. Amazon. They still accept cash and people riding bicycles to their store. Amazon only accepts $500 tablets and Venmo transfers. Hey- I bought you a margarita. Pay me back. You want cash dog. Okay here is some fucking crumpled up ones that someone tipped me after their Uber ride to work at fucking Target. Waited 20 god damn minutes outside for them to edge up their fade. You work at Target. And even though the red coloring in your logo makes me feel middle class. Your haircut is not going to change that. Buts all I have left man. Coach promised me a future in the NFL now I just have an athletic build and a great haircut I have to pay $20 dollars for 1x week or it goes away. I swear to god Barber shops are running a scheme, because they know that a temp fade only lasts 12 hours. And you will be right back. I am going to spend $12 dollars of my $10/HR on an uber ride to work making it actually -$2 fucking dollars to start my shift. God dammit. A rivals analyst writes: Potential to make -$2 an hour trying to get to work. That is the real recession. Not the monster at Jekyll Island book about the federal reserve turning gold into decimal points typed into an excel sheet document. I feel like we have 100 trillion dollars today. Enter. Trump was mean to me via tweet. Now I think we have $90 trillion dollars. And I am going to blame it on dairy markets in Canada. Milk in Dallas is $1.69. By the way. Some fucking backlash by Trudeau. Anyways its one click buying, the women are just buying up the fucking amazon shop. You just get random emails of purchase and random iPhone app monthly subscriptions being processed now-a-days. All of them health and nutrition apps. Measuring your recent weight gain at 30. Yeah its because I uber eats you fuck. Where did all my money go? We will probably be using Alibaba soon if we let anymore Asian CIA spies into our universities. I am totally from here my name is Obama. Not Kenya. The first people in this country were named Ferdinand Magellan. The CEO of the Heisman Trophy Ceremony. The women get drunk and they buy shit. Its gets delivered. So Toys R Us is fucked. Times change. Wilky Wonka has to shut his factory down. No one is going there to buy sega genesis cartridges anymore. Grabs the slip for madden and takes it to the cage. But not me dog. I went all the way to the last fucking day. I am like Keanu Reeves perpetually stuck in the 1990's checking a mailbox by the edge of a lake for a letter from Sandra Bullock. She loves me, She loves me not. I would enter Toys or Us and go straight to the back. To this cage that they have that has foam footballs. They never delegated an entire section to football. But have a rubberband strapped cage of foam footballs. I would grab one of these footballs. Dig my thumb into it harder than Tom Brady subtweeting about Belichek being mean on a teammates Instagram post. Every one use to think that Ryan Perilloux had this great arm. But all he did was throw ratchet ass deflated footballs. It is important to deflate the football because your hand needs to be able to swallow the ball. If you are near that aisle then watch out because I am 20 yards away trying to throw the ball back into the bin. No respect for other shoppers. I have great aim because of my hands. I have 10 1/5 inch hands, so my hand eats the football like that snake ate Owen Wilsons girlfriend in Anaconda. The black panther too. Man that snake is huge. Like Harrisons. It eats panthers. In Jungle Book that panther would have led the man cub around and taught him the law of the jungle. Thats the difference between going to Alabama, and playing for a Mac School. Get eaten swimming with sharks, or be the big fish in a little pond. You know like Harrison going to Nebraska, and no one on the team has ever seen the ocean before. Hey there is no where to fish around here man. You like Tilapia. That movie Anaconda man. Hell yeah baby lets wander into the Amazon rain forest at night and bang. Just like getting blown at the drive in movie theatre right. The band At the Drive in sucks. Toys man. College football is like the show naked and afraid. You fucking sign up for a badass experience and just end up laying on the floor of the locker room with a team doctor spraying tough actin tenactin up your ass trying to get rid of the jungle rot your football girdle gave you during two-a-days. Coach wants to use his toys man. You're in his fucking sandbox. College football coaches are like that kid in the movie Toy Story who blows shit up in his backyard. His mom isn't like why the fuck does Greg have all his barbies tied up with the shoe laces off his reeboks. Its cool man he won't grow up to be the fucking Unabomber. Live out in the woods near Henry David Thoreau's pond watching Hudl videos of prospects with Mike Ferrel. Just past the family farm Jerry Rice grew up on. Jerry Rice didn't have any fucking toys. He had a horse. His folks waddled into town, dropped down a few sheklles and bought a stallion with their dying dollar. He lived during the crucible according to NFL network. Jerry says he got fast because he use to wait by the edge of the fence. Connect eyes with the horse. The horse would take off running, and he would chase the horse down. Jump on top of that horse. At first he couldn't do it. But to catch a horse you have maintain speeds at all times. Its why he could catch a slant and just maintain the speed all the way through to the end zone. Great story. They say never look a gift horse in the mouth. Great player. You could see it on tape too. He even listened to Brian Stumpf who demands that you put your best throws within the first 40 seconds of your highlight tape because he doesn't have the fucking time to watch more than 40 seconds of what will determine the rest of your entire adult life as both a player, and when he doesn't give you proper guidance because all he gives a shit about is ensuring that he gets to hand out cool gifts like NCAA 2005 video games to all Elite 11 camp invitees, and as a future fucking janitor. But at least I still have the memory of beating Chase Daniels ass during the play station tournament. Aaron Rodgers form the cool side of his boogie board was like - why do you say Fuck so much? That memory pays my fucking electric bill. Rivals, Elite 11, Scout everyone told me I was a 5 star man. Mike Ferrell was eating spaghetti his wife made with meat flavored RAGU sauce, stopped making Elsa Gate youtube videos of his favorite Marvel characters, and ranked me a 5 star. Spencer can jump like Black Panther. No one knows how or why or what the rating criteria is. He just gets to be the Wizard of Oz. You get a 5 star, he is like the fucking Oprah of Honda Accords. You get one. You get one. Ray Lewis you don't get one and can't go to Disney World because you killed someone and blamed it on the alcohol like Jamie Foxx. I swear to god someone should get smart and sue rivals.com for defamation. My whole life and scholarship determined by what that slob thinks in between bites of Chipotle burrito. Brian only has 40 seconds man. Put your throws on top. The Vanderpumps are coming on. Its must see TV for Brian. Me too actually. And James looks like he is going to get ratchet tonight. He calls Katy Fat. Then Katy tells Lisa Vanderpump that she has an ultimatum. Either fire James from his See You Next Tuesday event at Sur or she is quitting because she doesn't want to work in a place where they call people fat and get away with it. Like when rivals guesses my fucking height and weight, and my forty time some guys from a random fucking Student Sports magazine Nike Camp tryout hand timed with the first Rolex his company ever gave him. Jim here is a rolex for selling the most medical devices of all time, but also on the side writing illuminated fairy tales about young boys becoming super heroes on the grid iron. Pulls his pencil out 4.8. I counted with my fingers because my watch froze. Mike F of Rivals is when you throw a family barbecue and dad asks you to knock a beer can off his forehead. Me, Harrison would throw a perfect fucking spiral like Lance. Knock it right the fuck off his head. Mike would throw the ball and break his dad's nose and spill beer down his guy Harvey fly fishing shirt. Someone get a fucking paper towel. Guy can't throw a hot dog on a grill. Let alone rank a football player. Rivals is a modern day slave auction. I am surprised that underneath every single players profile picture there isn't a fucking pay pal click to buy now button. No one knows in football. Nothing not anything. All from the gut. Everyone is just guessing. Did we go to the moon. I don't know. Stanley Kubrick says we didn't in the Shining. Did you eat a double bacon cheeseburger and queso appetizer at the airport? Or 4 tall bud lights. We have a no alcohol policy.Your concur expense report shows a receipt for $28 dollars but you grabbed the wrong receipt. It doesn't have the itemized meal list. Approved. I don't have time to be chasing McDonalds wrappers blowing in the wind down the fucking street. That job is for the 11 of the last 1-2 ranked quarterbacks in the country who transferred into a fucking black hole in the universe. They jumped right into that satanic CERN portal. My favorite part of transferring too is that everyone on twitter becomes your dad. Greg McCelroy was the ball boy at the Elite 11 camp. Greg, take your little pumpkin pie haircut over to the Gatorade water bin, get some juice, and squirt it into my fucking mouth. Then I want you to wave over to your parents on the sidelines. And thank them for taking the time to fly you out to California to be my personal home chef meal subscription box kit that delivers me food whenever I want. I should have known sports sucked after high school. Rob Johnson took his Buccaneers Super Bowl ring off and tossed in on the field near my feet. Here look at it. But Rob that's a Super Bowl ring. Didn't give a fuck about the Super Bowl. Just wants to surf man. McElroy is the moray eel of quarterbacks. Saban is this big great white shark, and Greg just hitches a ride and cleans the barnacles off his skin that feels like a shaved face 5 hours later. Why did you shave your face? Oh man, I sinned. So I shaved all my sins away. You look fucking weird with a shaved face. I know I know. But I feel better. McCelroy is the personal barber that Lebron James hires to edge him up before every game, and to also make sure Rob Kardashian stays edged up. That's another client of mine. His gig economy job is on-demand glam squad. This kid is supposed to be a Rhoads Scholar. The smartest scholarship on earth. Until that 5 star rivals prospect safety at Florida State ruined for fucking everyone, and the Tennessee Titans. I want to be Doogie Howser. Mcelroy should be getting approved by Russia right now to attend the Davos summit. He has a national title, and instead hangs out with backup walk on defensive scout team player of the year with voice homogenization Mike Golic Jr. He is on twitter telling Justin Fields to go to JUCO. Justin Fields parents are pissed too. Kirby Smart told him he was going to be the man. He is sitting on the sidelines looking up at the Clemson score and sees a Trevor Lawrence highlight. Its the scene at the beginning of remember the titans when they question sunshines sexuality and he throws a 50 yard spiral. Nothing answers the question of if you are gay or not like a great pass. Right Aaron Rodgers? No Justin Fields got collected like a toy by Kirby Smart. College Coaches collect toys, their collect antique cars, and trophy wives. Like the Florida State football team collected Jimbo Fishers wife. Google it. I would want to leave FSU too. Who was that receiver who always beats his mom. Lavernius something. Mom the meatloaf. I think it was him who put Jimbos Wife in that JC Penny bag Peter Warrick was holding. I get the bag and flip it and tumble it. You get the bag and flip it and fumble it. Collectors items man. I have Trumps autograph. Did you know that a President's autograph is automatically worth a $100. No matter what. Says To Harrison, Work Hard! Donald J. Trump. Toys for tots man. Donate some shoes this holiday. We have lots of shoes at this University. At Nebraska I had 10 pairs of cleats. Adidas let us try out all their new cleats. It was great, except for the fact that it wasn't Nike. Minor details. I would bring them home and give them to my friends. Here is some shoes man. Yeah I know I went there to start at quarterback, and to play, and the coach promised me. But I got some really comfortable shoes. Its not like we are married or anything. I also get to do a shitty radio spot 1x every couple of months and tell hilarious and zany jokes no one quite understands until later. Man Harrisons jokes are like riddles. I just keep thinking about them, and then all the sudden I look in the mirror and realize I could never throw as far as him ever. And I get sad and go to my architecture job, and use a pencil all fucking day to draw triangles with a ruler. Steve Jobs use to measure the length and width of the apple computers. Perfect edges man. Coaches throwing chairs during games. Sending VHS tapes with no return addresses attached of them choking someone at practice. ESPN running a documentary of child abuse that feels like a celebration of visionary leadership. Steve Jobs co-worker crying. Man I lost my entire family & friends, but Steve got his fucking toys man. He got his computer completed. Great computers- we put them in all the local high schools. Look around at the purple, green and yellow plastic on the back. Stylish too. Sexy. Lets use one. Man I don't want to use powerpoint the whole fucking time and make shape art. I want to browse the internet and watch youtube videos of the illuminati and flat earther theories. Ten years ago only 5-10 people thought there was a flat earth. Now 50,000 people are marching in Washington D.C. about the flat earth. And its led by Steph Curry. Who for sure got picked up in the same van as Kanye West and taken back to the cloning centers for a fucking tune up. Nevermind- Flat Earth, it was a joke man. I swear. Take my soul, not my underarmour deal. Underarmour made a huge fucking mistake purchasing a store front in Times Square. A 50 year lease for like $100+ million dollars. It will never pay for itself. Like your college scholarship. Because coaches just can't stop spending and buying toys. I need another one. Another 5 star. The quarterback room at USC looks like fucking Orion's belt there are so many stars aligned. And Christmas lights. Why did you play like shit the other day Josh Rosen? Too busy decorating the quarterback room like that one fucking street in your neighborhood with Griswold Christmas Vacation lights on every house. Your coach loved that shit. Guarantee it. He even liked your Instagram post about it. Did the crying laughing face emoji? To stay hip. So he can get your commitment. I like Kliff Kingsbury. I feel like I could go to the club with him and Kevin Sumlin. Sumlin promised me the opportunity to start high as shit on extacy at Club Liv with Johnny Manziel through facetime. I was watching Modern Family with my sister, and then all the sudden my phone rings, and its Sumlin. Johnny gets text. When are we hitting up Cosmo. Its electronic dance music weekend. Only gets a read receipt. Fuck-- contemplates texting Tannehill. No, its a Wednesday. He is at church. No way hell want to go out with Scott Disick in Miami tonight. Coaches go unchecked their whole careers. They don't need Southwest A List to skip the line at the airport, or TSA pre-check. They don't need to be checked. They can drink their purrell powder water bottles right through the MRI machine. Don't even have to take their watches off. Its cool, yeah keep your shoes on too its Thanksgiving every day around here and we are trying to get folks through airport security. Ill tell you what I wrote the best fucking article earlier today and the god damn computer didn't save it and now I have to rewrite this article and I am fucking pissed off. I dare a college football player to ask their coach for documented proof of coaching & development, and training. In the corporate world when you write someone up you have to coach them, verbally coach them, written and then termination x2. All documented. Get out of here Bryant. Go to Missouri and do nothing. You agreed to take your 5 star rocket arm to the University of Georgia because you believed that the coach was going to further develop your career. Some people want to be optometrists so they choose the PhD at Houston to become a doctor. I didn't choose Georgia to be a better football player, and leave a fucking a male nurse. I want my money back. Maybe life is like a sandwich at the airport. I spent all day with some nurses talking about construction projects, and big plans for operations and culture. I drank a Starbucks Americano. So I am dehydrated. I tried to race to the airport, got stuck in random traffic. Because Waze told me the accident was on the highway, not the access road. But the accident was on the access road, and me going to NC State. I sit there waiting, finally break free. Drop the car off. Head to the terminal. Change in the family bathroom into my basketball shorts and hat. Relax comfy clothes. Check my bags and rush through security. I finally made it. Coaches plan already took off to another recruits house. I don't want to go to Nebraska yet like reporting for a jail sentence. I want to stay at UCF and use your money to fly to California and back in between bowl practices so we can beat a shitty deflated Auburn team. I grab a sandwich. I sit down. I eat it. Roast Beef, Turkey, Cheese and Mayonnaise. Its gone. Fast. Like a dog eating from his bowl. I feel full. Just another Elite 11 quarterback stuck in a fucking airport in a perpetual transfer. Will Ferrell gets to go to the MOCA gallery with Marina Abrohomic where they bake cakes like fake human body parts. Marina used spirit cooking to sacrifice the 36% of Elite 11 quarterbacks who transfer, and spread them out of all over twitter in posts and opinions. I want my cake and eat it too. Does that mean that I make the cake and serve it? But also get a piece. Because I want a piece. Like when I threw fish food on top of my friends heads while snorkeling and the yellow snapper flopped on their faces. I just live in a computer simulation. Trapped inside your phone screen. Throwing rocket balls for likes and retweets. Maybe I never really had to play football, get tackled or hit. Maybe Mike isn't rating me a 5 star. Or a coach offering me a scholarship. Maybe I am not just a string of Christmas lights with one bulb that doesn't work. Toss it. Perhaps I don't want to sue Rivals, the NCAA or a coach. I think I just want some time back. Like when you swipe your phone up and says you used Instagram for 2 hours today. Even if I am just 1 minute of that. Mark Cuban says Time is his most valuable asset. I could be back just to collect my debts. You paying me your attention. Forever and ever. Amen.