Quarterback LessonS

The Internets First Ever Starting Quarterback 

​QB Lessons in Mckinney in Dallas will teach you about the transfer. Listen to the quarterback coach in McKinney in Dallas. Trust your quarterback lessons in Mckinney in Dallas. I am going to tell you about the law of the jungle. Animals think they have it so fucking hard. My little wiener dog pistol just stays at home snuggled in my Bed Bath and Beyond down comforter. Gets up and takes a piss on the pee pad. Gods worst invention. No babe, we don't have to train the dog to go outside. They made these pads you lay down, and the dogs will just pee there. But you will have to pick them up 5x a day, and he will miss half the time, and you better keep paper towels and glass cleaner, and disinfectant on the counter near the pads, because you will have to spray and wipe clean the floor underneath and near the pads. And after just 3 or 4 days you will open the cabinet door where you keep the small white trash can you throw the pee pads out in, it will be full of about 30 of them. These pads at Krogers costs at least $11.99 a week just for your dog to piss inside, instead of being a responsible adult with a dog door, or simply just letting him out into the backyard, or maybe even taking him on a walk. You can't get that electronic seat warmer that glows in the dark off Amazon, or a squatty potty for yourself. Because you are spending $150 a year just for your wiener dog to use the bathroom. Don't even get me fucking started on paper towels and toilet paper. A pack of paper towels every 2 days just on washing my hands. I am not going to use the kitchen cloth I wiped down the stove top with to dry my hands. Why do my hands smell like the salt I put on your mom's chicken breast but accidentily tossed everywhere within 3 feet of the pan? Here honey, I aimed and I got you a pearl neckles for Christmas. I swear to god sometimes I wish I was born during the Salem Witch Trials time period. Pilgrim fucking didn't have shit period. Lived in fucking log houses, and used upside down church bells in a fireplace to simmer soup all fucking day period. There wasn't shit. You could have invented a fucking key chain for your $350 dollar Mercedes Benz keys that you had to buy because the battery got low in it causing the truck to not recognize the key, and convince itself it was stolen causing you to pay the dealership to help it remember that you are the person who entered into a horrible car payment to fucking drive. My mom gave me once piece of advice as a kid. Don't even get a fucking car payment. Sure mom, but it has a DVD player in the dashboard that only plays movies when parked, and not when driving because its not safe. So I guess ill just fucking drive up to Target, and park to watch fucking Collateral with Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise for the afternoon. That key chain. Claire. Keep it to yourself or they will burn you at the stake. You fucking hear me. Write the idea down on a piece of paper. Put it in Kevin Costner's beer bottle. Let it float through the ocean for centuries until Meg Ryan finds it. And becomes the lady who quits her job on Wall Street who invented Spanx who is now worth billions. There are not enough food options in the airport. We need cinnamon rolls said an overtly ambitious hooters waitress. Inspired by guys grabbing her ass at work, she turned sticky buns into a global empire. What if she never transferred from Hooters. You never fucking transfer. Not from your team, your teammates. Your college. Your career path. Not one time fucking ever do you fucking here me. Loyalty, Integrity, you fucking shut your mouth and backup Tua. You fucking float in the IT cave with the other souls of this small town who never left, and kept their same high school friends, and made a pact to always be the same forever. Its not a clown haunting you. Its your dreams being kennel trained unlike your wiener dog pistol and his expensive peed pads. Anyways- people are always inventing scenarios and shit that doesn't exist yet. Like Brian Kelly did to Brandon Wimbush. Brian Kelly was like man I am going to get canned if we don't go 12-0 and make it to the college football playoff. Hey Brandon, you only have thrown 16 touchdowns, and 6 interceptions, and I feel like you might be Everette Gholson again, and I learned from that lesson, and Notre Dame hasn't had a white quarterback since Bob Davie ran the option with Matt Lovechio, another Elite 11 QB who had to finish his career at Indiana after getting dismantled by Nebraska on National TV. So my gut is telling me  we are going to bench you for Ian Book Burning. Liberals deleting Alex Jones from the internet.  I don't really have any reason why because Ian  has literally played exactly the same as you were playing. Lets just see how this scenario plays out. Brandon Wimbush standing on the sidelines bored out of his fucking mind. Searching his soul at halftime for aluminum cans he will eventually have to sell to make money to live. Let go and let god son. Transfer. Tweet Dilfer for help. Think about Vint Cerf. The operation paper clip angel who invented the internet from the empire beneath the ice in Anatartica. They talk about Shaka Zulu, King Leopold's Congo Republic soccer ball skulls, Hitler, Trump. The most diabolical leaders in human history. Robert E. Kahn and Vint Cerf inventing the internet might be the most diabolical, sub-tweeted cold now hot microwaved war in the history of mankind. We have to stop Brian Kelly from killing students. We have to stop the proliferation of Nuclear War. Iran cannot have uranium. Otto Warmbriers parent's will not get $500m dollars like 85/200 Elite 11 quarterbacks who Brian Stumpf couldn't retweet their signing day announcements into an NFL career. Mom, I tried to call Trent today. He said call me anytime at the end of camp. I called today asking for guidance, and it went straight to voicemail. Mom- shut up son. I am reading articles about Trump to email people in my family. I want universal healthcare, not for you to make it to the NFL. And there you are Vint surfing the web for proof Trump is incompetent. The irony that the internet will end up the greatest national disaster in the history of earth and all its people. Not war, Not famine, Not polluting our oceans because the ocean master in Aquaman was mad and sent that football field sized mass of trash to our shorelines as a warning. You stop fucking cutting the fucking fins of these fucking sharks you hear me. You stop getting our dolphins addicted to chasing cigarette boats on spring break. You stop fucking telling people that dolphins will protect them from sharks. Nothing will fucking protect Carol from trying to feed stingrays in the Cayman Islands at Sting Ray City on her period. Why do the sting rays congregate there? Because you hide food in your hands. You hide wrapped up pieces of squid. Hey H, here is a cookie cake with icing. Come to our college. I promise Chuck Amato will be here your entire career at NC State. He has his own Italian Restaurant. You will be able to order Long Island Ice T's there with buffalo chicken tenders, and pizzas for your entire career without someone checking your ID. I promise. I fucking promise. Sitting on my couch watching NC State get their ass beat by East Carolina. Breaking News: Chuck Amato fucking Cambell's tomato soup canned. Who might be coming to coach? Well its a toss up between Paul Johnsons triple option of Georgia Tech and Tom O'Brien rubbing his face with his hands during press conferences and tough questions about why he continues to run 66 booster out of the I-formation when most major colleges are transitioning to the Tony Franklin on DVD High School- give me $30,000 dollars, and I install this fucking Golden State Warriors basketball offense, at your local high school infomercial. I knew there was a reason Tony Romo played basketball a lot. It wasn't just that he was perpetually distracted. Tony, just hold the fucking ball down on the kick. But coach I once saw Steve Marriuchi talk about how Brett Favre's first pressure situation in a game he had to hold field goals, and he just put the ball down, and took his hands off of it. And it was good. Jackie Chan made the fucking kick to beat Boomer Easiasons left handed liberal Bengals. Tony hold the fucking ball on the god damn kick. So we can beat the Seahawks. Okay coach, but Legends last forever. Stares at Tony Romo as he runs onto the field. God dammit. This fucking idiot never stops fucking smiling. This mischeveaous mother fucker. Snaps the ball. Catches the ball. Holds the ball. Takes hands off the ball. I love Brett Coach, we are both from Wisconsin. I ate at the Brett Favre steakhouse, and saw him not saying anything to Greg Jennings at the movies once. Ball slips. Tries to run it in. Tackled. Sending Bill Parcels like Bane sent Batman into exile on Miami Beach. If you are going to cook the dinner, then you better at least be able to buy the groceries. Tony Romo is fucking nuts. Yeah but they pack a lot of protein. Bill looks up, setting the table like Ray Liotta in a Cialicis commercial, smiling, babe, look at those dolphins chasing that cigarette boat. If they were humans on land, they would try to smoke them. I don't know. Somewhere Drew Bledsoe is making wine. Stomping the grapes with his bare feet like he is Lucille Ball. Remembering when he collapsed his lung trying to scramble. Tom Brady said, Lucy I'm home. Jimmy G wtf are you doing here with my fucking team, my fucking wife, grabs him and throws his down the fire escape stairs. Calm down Tom- well fucking make sure he transfers. Okay Fromms Dad. One torn ACL for a fourth round pick. Relax. Every time he plays he gets hurt, but something will be different if he is the starter. Even though he has no HOF physical traits or acumen. Well let you play 4 more years and several wasted opportunities at drafting a real successor will go by. Maybe Darwinism is working. Because Josh Allen has literally the same throwing motion as Drew Bledsoe but can run. We have evolved. We are changing. I know I committed to your college, but I didn't know that you were the hoover high school coach, a fucking moron with seven wives spread out across town. Hunny I have to run to the store. Hunny I have to run to the bank. Be back tomorrow. Ask Joe Rogan, the mormon religion really is just looking for a tax exemption so you can build and live in an episode of the Brazzers house. Checks the Ring App of his phone. Hey, Nikki Benz is here for anal in the name of Steve Youngs Grandfather. Brigham. They say everyone has a plan until Dabo Swinney's eye lids fully close. Then its just him napping. I knew we shouldn't have went to Red Robbin after church and get the monster burger, two patties with bacon, and unlimited fries with a chocolate shake. You can't eat like that when you get older Harrison. Fuck off I have supernatural genetics. Plus right now I workout 10 hours a day, lifting and weights and running. Yeah but when you get older, after college football makes you transfer yet again. You will have to work until 5pm, and by the time you get home you will just want to watch Southern Charm Reunion, drink Vodka, and say divisive shit on Twitter to trick more people to come watch your videos and go to your website. You can do better things with your time. Like getting another Master Degree, or a Law Degree. Get hooked up with student loans that one day when they put an RFID chip in your arm, they will see how much you owe compared to what you make and spend, then send you a few certified letters in the mail about setting up a payment plan, before they just turn your Justin Timberlake IN TIME forearm off. Babe, this letter says that if I don't pay back my student loans they are going to shut my heart off next. I never saw this coming. But guess what, I am a fucking Optometrist. And Dorothy gifted Matt Millen a heart on Christmas day. Most young kids don't even know what a paycheck looks like. They think $100K is a million dollars. Man that has to be like $150K divided by like 12, so like 6 thousand dollars every check bro. Yeah try fucking like 4, 800 dollars. Just enough to pay your fucking rent, lease a shitty E class Mercedes, and go out to eat at restaurants just above Chili's. Yeah man this is a great fucking $12 dollar au gratin. I am a fucking Doctor I am going to make $30 million dollars a year because I went to school for 13 years to be a fucking doctor. No you are going to be working at a fucking Urgent Care off the side of the highway selling subscription insurance. $35/Month and you can come get stitches and a flu shot whenever the fuck you want. For the rest of your life. All this education created this opportunity for you. That is why Peter Thiel says fuck college. He actually has a fund where he will pay you $150K to not go to college. To invent. To become an entrepreneur. Because you commit to Nebraska to play college football. They try to sign your ass up for their communication department. Johnny Carson went here bro. Just sign up so volleyball players we promised teaching degrees can grade your homework. We need you bowl eligible, so instead of paying you money for working 16 hours a day. Harrison, why the fuck didn't you watch film until 11pm with me last night, with my mattress that is leaned up against the wall in my office that you noticed when Doak made you testify on the Supreme Court that your shoulder was actually hurt because the MRI said it wasn't, and Steve Sipple, because Callahan was pressuring him to clear your shoulder for the spring game, but I just can't fucking throw coach. Doak fucking hated Bill. But he sure could remember the name of that fucking reverse pass to beat Oklahoma man. Great Catch Eric. Great fucking catch man. Mike Stuntz could open a fucking pizza place called the reverse throw back. Just highlights of that play on a constant loop and serving tombstones pizza. Would get 500 likes on Yelp with positive ratings and reviews of 100%. But hey bro, great throw and coach, man. You are still not getting fucking a pay check. Here is an XBox 360 for going to the bowl. Give it to your brother for Christmas. Thanks man. Appreciate that. You won't fucking catch me fucking playing 1 god damn video game. I despise video games. I have 0 friends who play video games. I would never play 1 video game in my entire life, and I am in 4 of them. Call of Duty, any of them. Fuck you and fuck no. Play a god damn video game. Hey yeah he didn't answer his phone calls or texts again. I think he is at his apartment playing video games in his boxers. I refuse. Coach, I came here to get better not play video games. Yeah son but actually you don't get coaching here in college. That is the difference. I thought you knew that. We told you that in a hand written Christmas card we sent you during recruiting telling you that we were going to win a National Title together. Remember when I told you that you probably going to win the Heisman trophy one day. Yeah but you were going to have to learn the offense, how to workout and lift, and prepare and be the first round pick in the draft all by your fucking self. Because no one here is going to help you. We have to drink red bulls, chew gum, and recruit for next year. Coach you want to talk about 3 man scat this afternoon, knocks on the door. No one answers. Knocks again. I can hear people talking. Wtf why do I feel like I just caught my girlfriend cheating on me? Knocks on her apartment window sill again. Who the fuck is in there. God dammit. Kicks the fucking door in. Right before the foot hits. The handle twists. Out comes Josh Freeman. Looks over at coach who barely looks up at you. Hey Harrison, come on in. Technically you two weren't supposed to meet. We even checked your class schedule to make sure you were in class while we were parading the 2006 class around the office, offering them cookie cakes, and if you are Fred Rouse and Texas, a new car. Harrison, btw next time you could have just asked us for money on pay pal. We have an account set up as a cleaning service. That is not true, but I bet it is today. I bet recruits get paid all the time through Venmo, Pay Pal, Stripe, and all these ancillary payment options. But anyways great Perm Josh. Great fucking Jerry Curl. You know why we didn't hang out at Nebraska camp in 2004 because you brought your play station to play in the dorm room. And I hate fucking video games. And even though you were 6'5 with a brontosaurus kankles you can't fucking throw dick through a glory hole. God he sucked. Dead serious. One of those kids who only gets noticed because of his size. They should have Adam Carriker'd his ass, and said son go ahead and move to defensive lineman. Most pro quarterbacks are 6'2 225. Anything above that starts to guarantee you will fucking get benched as the Bucs quarterback because you used your NFL money to buy a snake cage with a python in it. Dead serious. Google that shit. Fucking Clowns in America. The CIA man. Sometimes I wonder if how I fucked up with Nebraska. Was that I didn't realize I was going through some sort of illuminati vetting process. Like I was Britney Spears as a kid working for Disney. And Christine Aguleirra. And every pop star you have ever known is guaranteed to have come from the secret bases and cabal bunkers hidden underneath Disney World and the Denver airport. Eating a sausage egg and cheese from Burger King in the airport like why is there a mural of a child being sacrificed on this airport wall. David La Chapelle must have filmed it. How old is Paris Hilton? 15- yeah go ahead and get her some slutty outfits and lets meet at the motel 6. Vogue Magazine will love these shots, but not her mom or family name. Looks up from Netflix playing on my I-Phone.  Welp-- at least my flight is on time to the San Jose Sabercats. For my Arena football try out. Man I just jumped a 35 inch vertical ran a 4.7 forty and threw passes so good that one of the receivers told the coach that when he was in the pros he had never caught passes like this before. Son, lets head to my office. So tell me what happened at Nebraska? I was immature coach. Okay, I confess to my sins. To everything. Do you want me to say I killed Nicole Brown? and not OJ. Please- I just need a chance. Well, we will see. Callahan has been going around telling folks Eric Crouch makes some great playgrounds now. But Coach-- okay fine-- you can have Kanye West's mom. Just take her. If that means I can get into the AFL. I want to dress everyone like Mad Max. Well give you a call in a few days son. Ring ring. Yeah H it looks like we are going with the left handed Mormon kid who has bad rosasia. What? The one who missed on most of his passes and wore gel in his hair to the tryout. He is not as talented as you but he also doesn't post the word fuck on his social media accounts. And he let me bang one of his wives from that house. Hangs up the phone. Hell yeah. Mother fucker. Hell yeah. Football man. Got a brand new collection of balls for Christmas. The only thing a quarterback truly wants is a bag full of footballs. Most people are like I need those new cloning center Yeezys. I need a ping pong table for the second story of my house even though I am 32 years old. In case folks want to play beer drinking games because god didn't give them a real talent like throwing a football. Check out what I can do with this hook on my wall. You pull this string back, and let it go. Like the lady playing the harp for Zues during Harrisons Herculeus arms birth on top of Mount Visuvious. It swings forward, and the circle washer actually can catch on the hook. And you win. Keanu wakes up in his apartment. Was I just fucking picked up by Morpheus and offered a red pill after playing hide and seek with Agent Smith in the cubicles at my accounting job. No bro- actually we ruined your draft stock during your Senior Year and made you transfer to Mizzou. But I sent off for my NFL evaluation tape. And when I got the results it said that I have a good chance of finding a job on Linked In or Zip Recruiter that starts at $40K a year. That first $1,319 dollar paycheck you will feel like a millionaire. Lemon Drops at the club. You might even buy a G Shock from Nordstroms at the mall. Eat at Chicken Fil A in the food court. Nothing can stop you. Not even the first time you ever had to make a serious decision that will impact your entire life and your families life, and you're only 17, and you have to pick one fucking coach and one fucking team, and everything rides on this decision. And all you really want is more professional development, and training, and focus on improving and maximizing your talents, but there isn't time to do that because David Pollack in between taking dialysis just to stay alive, and looking like a living breathing skull, he is at the Hyatt in Downtown Tampa eating chicken wings with Condeleeza Rice insinuating who should play for the National Title. Well I think Texas travels well, but they lost 4 games, and everyone still thinks that Slob Herman is a great hire. Lets choose them. WTF are you talking about David. According to job statistics in the US labor market- kids only average 5.2 jobs between the ages of 18-24. Proof you should only get one chance to choose the coach who traded his wifes David Yurman ring for blow, but she doesn't care and even makes a shirt about it to sell online because compartmentalization is capitalism to Austin, Texas. I don't care, do you? Walking up the steps to Air Force One. Damn Coach Kiffin said he didn't want to do footwork drills today because had to tweet. The only coach to win 7 national titles in the United States of America doesn't have a twitter, a facebook, an instagram- doesn't give a shit about it. Nick Saban. And every coach is like the future is social media. Lets offer Matt Leinharts 8 year old twitter video. Its already got 8,000 views and we just posted it. The Fat Jew even liked it, and is willing to pay Lebron James salary. Sorry guys, I didn't mean to offend Israel. That is two fucking times in one god damn week Lebron. Do it again. Do it one more fucking time. And you'll end up like Lamar Odom. Married to Khloe Kardashian, and the only time you get to actually see her is through snap chat videos of Kim losing her diamond ring getting throw into the ocean in Belize. Nothing says the beach like expensive diamonds, and perfectly good sand for you to drop them, and in the whiff of one stiff breeze of your fake ass, gets lost for some fucking drunk hack with a metal director and some Dr. Dre beats to find a year later. He has to get his morning walk in. Why not find some fucking treasure? Why not already have an Elite 11 quarterback on your team, and just go find another one named Justin Fields. I know I am going to practice with the team over Christmas break coach. I don't want to leave you hanging for the sugar bowl. But I have to call FSU, TCU and Ohio State during period 28. Gary Patterson told me I had a scholarship, but then I don't. And I want to make sure he doesn't think I am Baker Mayfield. Plus Ohio State just gave Urban Meyer a job as a teacher and the assistant AD, and I think its really just what the New York Jets did with Bill Parcells and Belichek where Bill got suspended for the year from the NFL as a coach, so he moved to GM to be the head coach from that position, and then Bill thought he was going to be the head coach like Ryan Day does, but then realizes that all the sudden Urban is at practice everyday watching the team, and even has a whistle on, and that maybe I am going to have to leave to go to the Patriots instead. My apple series 4 watch just told me stand up. Fuck you Tim Cook. Make something new and I will fucking stand up. No one gives a shit that you are a master at factory efficiencies, and delivery standards. Better start making some more factories in America real fucking quick, or well arrest your CFO in Canada for putting 25% tariffs on our chevrolets. Hows that trade war working out now? Ko neeshi wa. You don't even need to know how to spell. Just type it like you think it should look. Coach I know you want 4 verticals on cover 3. But the defensive coordinated is literally telling us that we can just throw stop routes and win.  Just have patience. Football is a ballet, not a Martin Garrix concert at Tomorrowland. Take a chill pill, not extacy. Thats all we have to do. Literally. Not throw it 25 yards down the field. You shut your fucking mouth son. That is not how I want this offense to look. You know what. You need to fucking transfer. Fuck you, I am taking my talents to South Beach.  What do you mean? I just got a new phone, and as long as I know my itunes account password I can just transfer over all of my contacts, photos and videos. It takes a few hours because I have a lot of gigs, but I definitely will still have my throwing videos. The ones from Rivals.com that Mike Ferrell profited off of, and didn't ask for my permission to use online, or my permission to rate and review me, or use my name. No one on the internet ever asked permission for my pictures, and to write about my character. Harrison is a dick because he doesn't like my University. Or the way I cook. Or the music I like. And because he doesn't like what I like I can write about him in reddit message boards. And defame him on Rachel Maddow every night at 8pm. For ratings. Using my name, and not paying me. Even though the cast of FRIENDS still makes $20M a year off syndication of their TV show, and their name. I don't have to pay my electric bill because its freedom of speech. Google gets money every time someone clicks on an article about me. Not me. And there are a lot of articles because I transferred because I was tired of sitting there at a fucking walk thru of running plays discussing the G Belly. I can throw 80 yards and coach is having me practice handing off to the full back on my lunch break. Coach, you know the world is changing. I could just quit school today, and create a vine account. I would at least be guaranteed enough money for an apartment in LA, and a server job at SUR with Lisa Vanderpump. Yeah but no one has ever tried to just make videos of them throwing and posting it online before. You would be the Louis & Clark of that shit. Instead of a crowd cheering from the stadium, their round of applause would just be likes. And I wouldn't have to get hit and blow my brains out from CTE like Junior Seau later in life. Or sue the NFL in an injury settlement yet still play golf every day like Jim McCmahon. I wouldn't have to transfer to Tom O'Briens doghouse. Or ask Phil Elmassion why half his face his drooping and tell him he should probably retire soon before he dies of a heart attack from yelling at me for no reason. I just asked a question. Whats in your wife's gumbo? I didn't have to do any of this anymore. People pay $25K for an instagram post. I can get paid to play in college. Another league besides the NFL can work.  It came to me in a wet hot american dream while sleeping on Bill Callahan's office mattress after watching American Meme on Netflix. If you throw it. They will come. The bang bros of quarterbacks. Fuck the world. And go deep!